What God Has Done

It amazes me that when you choose to follow Christ and REALLY listen to His voice and give Him full reign over your life, how things change and move really, really fast.

More on that later, this is just a teaser post...but let's just say a few months ago I was cleaning cabins in the woods and God willing, in December, I will be in India.

And I am more grateful and thankful than one can imagine.

A Whole Year?

How is it that almost an entire year has gone by with no posts from the Queen of France? Mercy!

But what a year it's been. i finally have full time employment in health services..my first love. It's been great to get back into the health field and as i work with the residents, i remember how much i adore elderly folks.

Much has changed in this past year, quite a bit of sorrow but also quite a bit of great joy. Fun things on the horizon as well and just reconnected with an Friend which also fills me with joy.

Doesn't hurt that today is a gorgeous day either. Kind of lifts ones spirits.

Hello Spring! i'm surely glad you're here. Now let's see if i can blog more than once a year, shall we?

Hey there!

Well, for starters i am alive and well.

So here is a quick snap shot:
~still unemployed
~did not lose house .... yet
~more thankful about that then you have any idea
~Niece is doing well although this back and forth thing (stupid shared custody) is causing some bahaviour problems
~Also, she will be 2 in August
~And she is hilarious and knows it
~ i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Spring and warmer weather is here
~i applied for a job in New York City and Atlanta, GA as well as about 10 here locally.
~applying for jobs non stop is exhausting
~Baseball season started
~Phillies have lost the last two games
~i am not happy about that
~i think that is all for now
~OH and computer bit the dust...totally fried. boooo

...In All Things

Sometimes it catches me unawares. The longing. The sudden and painful tugging at my heart. The feeling of loss...of never ...of why? Not often, thankfully. i have worked through it...have let that dream go...have focused, instead, on what is at hand.

But sometimes....sometimes i allow myself to grieve for what i, am rather sure, will never have. And then i remember that i have so many other things. i should not be ungrateful. My heart, is, however, because i am human and not perfect and oh! so selfish.

i have so many other ways to love, to experience love, to show love, to give love. So many need it. i have alot of it stored up...but stored up for what? For me? For later? i guess i realized that my visions of "later" may never come to fruition. So why hoard it? Give it away. Bless someone else's life with love, kindness...caring.

And then, be thankful. Give thanks that i have been given a heart that is tender and loves. Give thanks that there are those who lack it so that i can help them, love them, pour into their lives

The ache will always be there...i know that. But it is the NOT focusing on me...and my grief that frees me up to love others unconditionally.

In all things....be thankful. In all things...give love. In all things...do not be selfish and hoard what has been given...give it away.

i am learning.

Thankful

Today, i am choosing to be thankful ..because i truly believe that will help keep the depressing reality in check.

i am thankful for:

*a cupboard that is not yet bare. Getting thin but still plenty to eat and i have not been able to get a good grocery order since November.

*the ability to apply for jobs, even though nothing has come of it yet, i am still hopeful and still finding things for which to apply.

*my doggie came through her spaying surgery with no problems. Although when she was moaning in pain and discomfort two nights ago, it was horrible, but she is doing so much better today.

*the series we are going through at church has been amazing and i have been so challenge and am growing so much. Even the things i wrestle with...that still promotes growth.

*that sweet little niece. Oh my but she is a joy to be around. my little siblings are all grown up and i have forgotten how dear and precious babies are...and how quickly they learn. Amazing.

*my cat, Moses.

*all this snow! What a winter. i can promise you that when (if) warm weather comes around, i will be singing at the top of my lungs! But i do love the snow.

It's The Little Things

Recently, i think i mentioned this before, i have been challenged to find at least one thing a day, and write it down, for which i am grateful and/or thankful. The idea behind this is to grab each day as it has been given to you, to appreciate even the tiniest things that are good and to focus your attention on the positive things of life, rather than the negative.

As i have stated ad nauseum, my troubles and problems with unemployment and the like, i believe, more than ever, that this exercise is something that i must do. Must.

Actually, i am rather excited about it all. Won't it be fun to to draw my attention to the positive? Won't it be nice to read my words that reflect fun things and not always the moaning and complaining? LOL yes, i imagine it will.

i am going to start today, but probably will not post things for a week or more...want to get into a routine before going global with the idea.

2011...the year of taking delight in the little things.

i've lost that global feeling whoooaaa that global feeling...

Hmm...just realized a bit ago that because my own problems, lack of work, possible losing of my house, family issues and all that goes with that, have loomed so large in my mind, i have totally lost my global focus.

Not cool.

my desires, prayers, concerns and worries have, of late, all been about ME. ME ME ME ME...

ugh. That, in reflection, grosses me out. Like totally...with a trailer hitch...or a spoon.

i have always desired to have a global focus in my life. What that means to me is that though i take care of the home front, i know what is going on, basically, in the world. There are friends, workers, missionaries, dignitaries for whom i pray that i also know what is going on in their world. Blogs that are read to keep me up to date with situations in foreign places...places that have suffering people, or, on the flip side, prosperous people, about whom i have interest. i enjoy that. It keeps me humble and able to focus not on me, but on others.

But.....i realized about 1/2 hour ago, with total conviction, that i have been wearing backwards reflectors. Ewwww....that means that all i see is me. my problems, my issues, my complaints, my stress, my lack of money, or lack of work, my relationships that need to be mended, my lack of patience and gentleness sometimes, my worry about the niece, my, my my my arent i boring?

The beauty of this all is that this is a new morning. Clean slate to start anew with concerns, prayers, thoughts and encouragement to others. Clearly my own situation is not ideal at present. Clearly there is stress that goes with being unemployed....however, clearly there is a need for me to get my eyes off of myself...lift them upward and outward and grasp the world.

It feels good, you know? To chase away that stagnant air that sometimes resides in your soul. Most times we do not even realize it is there...until we take a breath of something sweeter...then...then the growth can begin.

So here is to a new morning, full of mercy.
And a new outlook that includes the world and not just lil ole me.

Whew! What a relief!

she

Today she wears pink, SWEET written on her top, brown eyes bright and sunny whilst we read book after book. Small lil pig tails bounce as she decides to climb on the chairs that were a present for me when i was two yrs old. Perfect size for little arms and legs, learning how to get up on a chair, sitting at a table that is yours alone.

Today, she decides to spread a blanket on the floor and give one to her mother and they pretend to sleep on beds, and then to follow me downstairs whilst i do a few chores, alway curious. She likes to see how things go together, she watches closely, her pigtails tickling my face as she leans in close to get a better look. Of course, then i cannot see but i breathe her in, deeply and laugh out loud at her cuteness. Even in this, she is learning.

Every week, when she comes to us, i see differences. She is taller, a bit thinner, walks better, talks more...growing.

There are temper tantrums and acting out towards her mother and we are aware of this and work through them, hearts breaking that for now, her little world is kind of topsy turvy. We try to provide the same routine, safety, comfort, stability and lots of laughing, singing and reading...oh yes, do not forget about the reading.

Soon she will be 18 months old. She is a delight. She is a marvelous creature. She is gonna be a handful when she is a teen, but for now....for now, i remind myself to take the days slowly, at her pace, and treasure every pig-tail-bouncing-tickling-my-face moment.

Let It Snow!

Just came in from walking the dog a few minutes ago and realized, during the walk, how amazing snow is. It muffles every noise, reducing city noise to quiet. It makes people stay in, allowing me to let the dog run free and i could twirl and run also. It covers all the ugliness and makes it pure white...gorgeous...stunning...pristine...cold.

Oh it is cold out there, but felt wonderful. Snow is coming down at a nice steady clip..we might have a good eight inches by daybreak. (i am rooting for more).

So now we are snuggled in the house. Feeling a bit sleepy from our romp...ready to snuggle down and sleep deeply.

i do not always love winter, it is hard to get through, but i sure can manage better when there is snow on the ground.

YAY for snow!

Sheesh, are you kidding me?

So.

i have been thinking that i have been doing really well in my attitude and in my mind set and intentions during this entire lay off period and with the money struggles. i wasn't trying to be proud or high on myself but rather, just pleased with the forward progress i have been making.

Until Sunday.

i enter into church. Happily. Glad to be there. Happy to sing and ready for the sermon. i like the subject. i enjoy the Pastor. Everything is grand. It is a good, good week. Yay God. Yay me.

um....and then i realize HOW FAR i have to go. Good grief. Not that i then became depressed or sad or what have you...no, it was no guilt trip or feeling bad about myself, but rather a challenge to be a better woman, a more devoted follower of Christ, a woman of intense integrity and honor and love.

So...let the work begin.

Also? Note to self: do not think of yourself to highly.....just saying.

January Rest

i have been challenged by a number of women to make January a month of rest. Not physical rest but emotional and mental rest. Slow things down, think more deeply and slowly, ponder, and to take time for wonder and amazement.

That is not an easy task given the way the US runs...always at full speed ahead, anchors away, throttle down until you collaspe. But that is not how i like to live. I do not mind hurry and bustle and stress as long as it has an end. So January will be my month of quiet.

And i have to be honest, i am not always successful. i sometimes feel agitated in my spirit and cranky and have to take a deep breath and remember to slow it down...relax...enjoy the now...while making memories for the future.

Best of times, worst of times

Christmas was an odd day for me. It was "off" and did not play out how i wish it would have. Somehow the stress i have been under morphed into something less than attractive and for that i am upset with myself. i just wanted the day to be over and that is sad, isn't it?

However, today is a new day and so i try again...try to be a better woman, to touch those around me with love and grace and to handle this stress in a more gracious way.

So, i am aiming for a "best of times" kind of day.

i am gonna complain

Ready? Ok..here we go.

The Weather:
i do not mind cold. i love snow. i do not mind a few murky, cloudy days. i love sunshine. However, these endless days of murky skies, cold, wind with NO snow...it is kind of getting to me and it is only December. Common Winter...let's get it right and do not make me hate you. Let's try a sunny day, mid 30's and some snow at night. That would be a blast!

Money:
i hate money and the need for it. Cuz when you are low/don't have any, it can make one grumpy/depressed/mad and that is not fun. Just saying.

Christmas:
i LOVE Christmas but i cannot, cannot, cannot stand the commercialism and the NEED to buy things you do not need. Clothing, chocolate, iced tea, bread...there we have it. Basic needs of life :grin: For the wee lass, my sister does not want cheap plastic things ...but rather educational, or little people rom Fisher Price (cuz every kid needs those at least once!), clothing, shoes (she LOVES shoes...YAY!) and that is about it. We have tons of books and she spends a lot of time just sitting and reading through them. It is so much fun to see. But those who pressure my sister to get the latest things...ugh.

And that is it, really. Guess that is not too bad for a murky, cold, windy day where i cannot find chocoalte anywhere in the house! LOL

Happy Day of Complaints

Learning

Sometimes the love for her wells up in me so much that it hurts my throat.

The sweet smell of her, the tiny fingers becoming strong and able to do so much, the adorable feet, the soft, soft skin. The voice that babbles on, making conversation that i truly wish i could understand. The way she is learning. Recognizing words (at 16 months!), knowing every person's name in our family, remembering how to walk to her class at church, taking the world by storm.

She is not even my child. She did not come from my body. i was not even there at her birth. But somehow this little one is wrapped up in my heart so tight then when she is not here, i almost feel empty.

How is this possible?

And she is teaching me..teaching me to be a better Auntie...how to best relate to her...to all of mankind. Sometimes you have to be firm, almost stern with folks, sometimes you have to shout out if there is imminent danger...most of the time, laughter, cuddling, snuggles and just being together can take care of so many problems. She is teaching me this.

oh and patience...oh my yes. We do not have to rush through life, rather one step, or one bite of food, or a long bath or reading the same book over and over can really take care of so many things. It fills our hearts with time...no need to rush...it will get done eventually.

And let us not forget the importance of naps. If more people took naps, this world would be a kinder place. A grumpy lass given the ability to nap for two hours brings forth a charming and delightful child.

And i am learning. Learning how to love in a different way. Learning things about parenting that i never knew. Learning that my mother was mostly right about everything (!).

Sometimes a little baby changes everything.

A Bit Ragged

It is officially Monday morning, i have yet to go to bed. Just taking some quiet time to sit in the glow of my Christmas lights and reflect on this past weekend.

i feel rough. my emotions are right at the surface. It has not been an easy weekend.

A woman i have known for 20 plus years may not make it through this night. About a week ago she was diagnosed with cancer. Now....she is almost gone. Things like this draws one up short to make me stop and reflect....if i had that same prognosis, what would my reaction be? How would i be remembered? A bit morbid, perhaps, but thoughts like these encourage me to not become stagnant in my life but ever moving, ever changing, ever growing and maturing. It also reminds me to not take anything for granted. Sobering.

my sister is going through a rough patch as well and her method of coping is to lash out. That makes things particulary difficult when we are the only two living in this house. i am finding it harder and harder to just ignore this infantile behavior.....yet...yet, i need to put myself in her shoes from time to time and act with compassion. (i am afraid my compassion is gonna leave a foot print in her behind!)

So this quiet time of reflection, kind of like hitting the restart button....drop back and punt.....quiet myself and get ready for the week to come.

Shameless ...

i have never been one to be a groupie of any group/person/organization/idea. i have typically stood on the outskirts of something and just watched...enjoying the activity but without any attention drawn to me. You could always find me on the edge...smiling and watching...thoroughly enjoying everything going on but not ready or willing to jump up and join in.

But these days, i wonder: why not? Why not do something totally outside my comfort zone? Why not join in the laughter and fun? Why not make a fool of myself for something i totally enjoy? Why not?

So friends, i have to admit...

i am a Chaser.
i am a shameless Chaser. (oh sheesh..i am already blushing and trying to delete those last words...see what i mean?)

Here is the story. There is an a Capella group called Straight No Chaser. 10 men who went to Indiana University have now become a touring group. They found publicity with a YouTube video of them singing a spoof on the 12 Days of Christmas and Atlantic Records picked them up...and is slinging them all over the country...literally.

i heard about the video and then went to my first concert early in the Spring 2010 (in a scary theater in Landsdowne, Pa). Since then i have seen them in Reading, in Hershey and will see them again in Reading on New Year's Eve.

Their fans are called Chasers and i think i have officially become one!

10 men (none of them ugly, if you know what i mean) who have amazing voices, do not take themselves too seriously and have arrangements (done mostly by one of the members) that are breathtaking. They practice an art....but in a way that is fresh and new. This is not just a standard a Capella group...oh no...there is dancing. Yes ladies...dancing. Not in a lewd way..but fun..creative..totally sexy without offending anyone.

So i would like to say

Hi, my name is laura and i am a Chaser.

Check out Straight No Chaser....who knows, you might be a chaser too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7_aYt2FcdI

Being Thankful all the time

Recently i have been challenged to count my blessings all the time. There is also a community of bloggers who do this, apparently, and you actually count the blessings, the things that you are grateful for. i would imagine that it fosters a heart of thankfulness and gratitude and that even through difficult circumstances, you are able to see how blessed you are.

So i need to research this a bit more, but think it is a healthy excersise which will, hopefully, become a lifestyle.
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Today is a bit of a down kind of day. Not in emotion but in activity. i am still in my pj's and it is almost noon! (shock and horror. i know . I KNOW!) But it sure feels nice to just have a quiet day. Baby, dog, cat are all sleeping. House is finally getting warm (it was cold last night) and i feel all cozy and homey. i was going to start to decorate for Christmas, but honestly, i love my Fall decorations..those colours are so grand and warm and....and i might tackle that on Monday! Since i have problems with Monday anyway, might as well do something really nice, right? Right

Giving Thanks

For the past two days, i have been working at my folks' house getting ready for our Thanksgiving meal. Made pies yesterday and today did some of the dishes that could be premade and then just reheated. Tomorrow, of course, is the main even and we have a jammed packed day. Should be tons of fun.

In all of this work, i have paused to give thanks many times. Thanks that i am close to family who love to be together. Thanks that we have the means to have this kind of food. Thanks that i am able to do the work, alongside my mother and sisters. And that is the tip of the iceberg. Yes, it has been a really rough past two months and may be worse in months to come. But...BUT in all things i want to give thanks.

And i am thankful for friends (like you!) who encourage me and help me to give thanks for everything.

Just stuff....

This dog we got is incredible. Someone somewhere had to have worked with her. she is completely housebroken, is loving but obeys commands, walks on the lead like a trooper and is very loyal.

she does not mind at all when the baby steps on her and thinks the cats are amusing. i have yet to hear her bark at home (we heard her once in the pound as we were walking away...that was kind sad). she does have some stray tendencies with food but i think over time, she will see that she is always fed and that will lessen (but she listens/obeys when we correct her behavior).

she weighs 60 lbs and thinks she is a lap dog.

No seriously, she does. Just a big ago, i was sitting on the floor and she attempted to climb into my lap...of course i encouraged her to see if it would work, but alas, it did not, mostly because i was being squished and could not stop laughing.
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Speaking of not being able to stop laughing, my 18 yr old brother has the game Call of Duty. He is getting better at it and i said i wanted to try. Please realize that i cannot even play Mario without dying off and screaming when i miss a jump or when those things come at me. It is rather hilarious.

So last night i said i would play with him. i chose my weapon and we started...we were supposed to shoot one another (nothing says family love like hunting each other down). However, i am horrible at this and ended up making my guy go around in circles backwards, shooting the dirt....mostly because i cannot control the thing properly and mostly because i was laughing so hard because i couldn't control the thing and mostly because it was hilarious. i do not think i should join any armed forces...though i am good with weapons in real life....(mostly).

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Thanksgiving is in two days.
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The weather outside is frightfully dull. Either sun or rain, please. This murky stuff is kinda gross.
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i am wearing a Brian Dawkins #20 Eagles Jersey today. i have said, though i really am not a fan of tattoos, that should i ever get his autograph, it will be tattooed on my body.

Is that taking fandom a bit too far? No? ok...i didn't think so either (even though he now plays for the Broncos....that move broke my heart and i am still not over it..not even kidding..i cried....)
i mean have you
1)seen the man play? Safety...flying tackles..insane blocking...hard hitting....plays with intense passion...loved Philadelphia fans and we love him still
2) seen the man's muscles? i will stop right there lest i cross a fine line between admiration for the human body vs. pure lust.

Happy Thanksgiving to me! :grin:

Honestly?

Ok Monday, here is the deal. You and i are not friends and it is unlikely that we will ever be friends. However, since i am human and created just a little lower than angels...guess what? i win. i win because i am going to see you as a challenge...a small obstacle to overcome. i am not going to give in to your dark depressing thoughts and feelings. Yes, the weekends are always nice, mostly because the sweet little one is here and on Monday she is not. And yes, since being laid off, i feel mostly an empty sense of "what now?" because i really should be getting up for work, not lying in bed fighting you.

But guess what? i win. Always. You had your month of dark Mondays. Fun, wasn't it? But even though it was tough to get going today and even though i had to overcome alllll of what i just wrote, i did it.

So honestly? though you throw your best stuff at me, and you always do, i win. The house is clean, i am about to take the dog for a nice long walk and then gonna plan for Thanksgiving. See? All good and positive things.


"Greater is He that is in me, then Mondays"
(very, very loosely translated.)