Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hey there!

Well, for starters i am alive and well.

So here is a quick snap shot:
~still unemployed
~did not lose house .... yet
~more thankful about that then you have any idea
~Niece is doing well although this back and forth thing (stupid shared custody) is causing some bahaviour problems
~Also, she will be 2 in August
~And she is hilarious and knows it
~ i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Spring and warmer weather is here
~i applied for a job in New York City and Atlanta, GA as well as about 10 here locally.
~applying for jobs non stop is exhausting
~Baseball season started
~Phillies have lost the last two games
~i am not happy about that
~i think that is all for now
~OH and computer bit the dust...totally fried. boooo

Friday, February 11, 2011

...In All Things

Sometimes it catches me unawares. The longing. The sudden and painful tugging at my heart. The feeling of loss...of never ...of why? Not often, thankfully. i have worked through it...have let that dream go...have focused, instead, on what is at hand.

But sometimes....sometimes i allow myself to grieve for what i, am rather sure, will never have. And then i remember that i have so many other things. i should not be ungrateful. My heart, is, however, because i am human and not perfect and oh! so selfish.

i have so many other ways to love, to experience love, to show love, to give love. So many need it. i have alot of it stored up...but stored up for what? For me? For later? i guess i realized that my visions of "later" may never come to fruition. So why hoard it? Give it away. Bless someone else's life with love, kindness...caring.

And then, be thankful. Give thanks that i have been given a heart that is tender and loves. Give thanks that there are those who lack it so that i can help them, love them, pour into their lives

The ache will always be there...i know that. But it is the NOT focusing on me...and my grief that frees me up to love others unconditionally.

In all things....be thankful. In all things...give love. In all things...do not be selfish and hoard what has been given...give it away.

i am learning.

Monday, January 31, 2011


Today, i am choosing to be thankful ..because i truly believe that will help keep the depressing reality in check.

i am thankful for:

*a cupboard that is not yet bare. Getting thin but still plenty to eat and i have not been able to get a good grocery order since November.

*the ability to apply for jobs, even though nothing has come of it yet, i am still hopeful and still finding things for which to apply.

*my doggie came through her spaying surgery with no problems. Although when she was moaning in pain and discomfort two nights ago, it was horrible, but she is doing so much better today.

*the series we are going through at church has been amazing and i have been so challenge and am growing so much. Even the things i wrestle with...that still promotes growth.

*that sweet little niece. Oh my but she is a joy to be around. my little siblings are all grown up and i have forgotten how dear and precious babies are...and how quickly they learn. Amazing.

*my cat, Moses.

*all this snow! What a winter. i can promise you that when (if) warm weather comes around, i will be singing at the top of my lungs! But i do love the snow.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

It's The Little Things

Recently, i think i mentioned this before, i have been challenged to find at least one thing a day, and write it down, for which i am grateful and/or thankful. The idea behind this is to grab each day as it has been given to you, to appreciate even the tiniest things that are good and to focus your attention on the positive things of life, rather than the negative.

As i have stated ad nauseum, my troubles and problems with unemployment and the like, i believe, more than ever, that this exercise is something that i must do. Must.

Actually, i am rather excited about it all. Won't it be fun to to draw my attention to the positive? Won't it be nice to read my words that reflect fun things and not always the moaning and complaining? LOL yes, i imagine it will.

i am going to start today, but probably will not post things for a week or more...want to get into a routine before going global with the idea.

2011...the year of taking delight in the little things.

Friday, January 14, 2011

i've lost that global feeling whoooaaa that global feeling...

Hmm...just realized a bit ago that because my own problems, lack of work, possible losing of my house, family issues and all that goes with that, have loomed so large in my mind, i have totally lost my global focus.

Not cool.

my desires, prayers, concerns and worries have, of late, all been about ME. ME ME ME ME...

ugh. That, in reflection, grosses me out. Like totally...with a trailer hitch...or a spoon.

i have always desired to have a global focus in my life. What that means to me is that though i take care of the home front, i know what is going on, basically, in the world. There are friends, workers, missionaries, dignitaries for whom i pray that i also know what is going on in their world. Blogs that are read to keep me up to date with situations in foreign places...places that have suffering people, or, on the flip side, prosperous people, about whom i have interest. i enjoy that. It keeps me humble and able to focus not on me, but on others.

But.....i realized about 1/2 hour ago, with total conviction, that i have been wearing backwards reflectors. Ewwww....that means that all i see is me. my problems, my issues, my complaints, my stress, my lack of money, or lack of work, my relationships that need to be mended, my lack of patience and gentleness sometimes, my worry about the niece, my, my my my arent i boring?

The beauty of this all is that this is a new morning. Clean slate to start anew with concerns, prayers, thoughts and encouragement to others. Clearly my own situation is not ideal at present. Clearly there is stress that goes with being unemployed....however, clearly there is a need for me to get my eyes off of myself...lift them upward and outward and grasp the world.

It feels good, you know? To chase away that stagnant air that sometimes resides in your soul. Most times we do not even realize it is there...until we take a breath of something sweeter...then...then the growth can begin.

So here is to a new morning, full of mercy.
And a new outlook that includes the world and not just lil ole me.

Whew! What a relief!

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Today she wears pink, SWEET written on her top, brown eyes bright and sunny whilst we read book after book. Small lil pig tails bounce as she decides to climb on the chairs that were a present for me when i was two yrs old. Perfect size for little arms and legs, learning how to get up on a chair, sitting at a table that is yours alone.

Today, she decides to spread a blanket on the floor and give one to her mother and they pretend to sleep on beds, and then to follow me downstairs whilst i do a few chores, alway curious. She likes to see how things go together, she watches closely, her pigtails tickling my face as she leans in close to get a better look. Of course, then i cannot see but i breathe her in, deeply and laugh out loud at her cuteness. Even in this, she is learning.

Every week, when she comes to us, i see differences. She is taller, a bit thinner, walks better, talks more...growing.

There are temper tantrums and acting out towards her mother and we are aware of this and work through them, hearts breaking that for now, her little world is kind of topsy turvy. We try to provide the same routine, safety, comfort, stability and lots of laughing, singing and reading...oh yes, do not forget about the reading.

Soon she will be 18 months old. She is a delight. She is a marvelous creature. She is gonna be a handful when she is a teen, but for now....for now, i remind myself to take the days slowly, at her pace, and treasure every pig-tail-bouncing-tickling-my-face moment.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Let It Snow!

Just came in from walking the dog a few minutes ago and realized, during the walk, how amazing snow is. It muffles every noise, reducing city noise to quiet. It makes people stay in, allowing me to let the dog run free and i could twirl and run also. It covers all the ugliness and makes it pure white...gorgeous...stunning...pristine...cold.

Oh it is cold out there, but felt wonderful. Snow is coming down at a nice steady clip..we might have a good eight inches by daybreak. (i am rooting for more).

So now we are snuggled in the house. Feeling a bit sleepy from our romp...ready to snuggle down and sleep deeply.

i do not always love winter, it is hard to get through, but i sure can manage better when there is snow on the ground.

YAY for snow!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Sheesh, are you kidding me?


i have been thinking that i have been doing really well in my attitude and in my mind set and intentions during this entire lay off period and with the money struggles. i wasn't trying to be proud or high on myself but rather, just pleased with the forward progress i have been making.

Until Sunday.

i enter into church. Happily. Glad to be there. Happy to sing and ready for the sermon. i like the subject. i enjoy the Pastor. Everything is grand. It is a good, good week. Yay God. Yay me.

um....and then i realize HOW FAR i have to go. Good grief. Not that i then became depressed or sad or what have you...no, it was no guilt trip or feeling bad about myself, but rather a challenge to be a better woman, a more devoted follower of Christ, a woman of intense integrity and honor and love.

So...let the work begin.

Also? Note to self: do not think of yourself to highly.....just saying.

Friday, January 7, 2011

January Rest

i have been challenged by a number of women to make January a month of rest. Not physical rest but emotional and mental rest. Slow things down, think more deeply and slowly, ponder, and to take time for wonder and amazement.

That is not an easy task given the way the US runs...always at full speed ahead, anchors away, throttle down until you collaspe. But that is not how i like to live. I do not mind hurry and bustle and stress as long as it has an end. So January will be my month of quiet.

And i have to be honest, i am not always successful. i sometimes feel agitated in my spirit and cranky and have to take a deep breath and remember to slow it down...relax...enjoy the now...while making memories for the future.