Thursday, December 31, 2009

A new year!

How exciting! A new year is almost upon us. i always like the new year because it feels like a fresh start (although i'm well aware that lots of 'junk' is brought from one to the next). i like fresh overs...refreshes, etc.

i don't have any New Year's Resolutions just yet. Will post them when i do!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2010 be a good one for us all!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Amost a week

At 2am on Tuesday it will be one week since someone thought they would help themselves to the contents of my house, or even me. To say it's been an easy week would be a gross understatement. Quite the contrary, it's been very difficult but i'm trying to work through all the feelings of fear and let my life get back to where it was.

Some baby steps forward: For the past two nights, i've slept at home in my own bed. Of course, i've not fallen alseep until after 3am but my own bed. Previous to that i slept on the couch and then a couple nights at my folks' house 'for the Christmas celebrations' (as i liked to call was, rather, me just being scared).

Tonight, i am going to try to sleep in my own bed, well before 3am and with the bathroom light off instead of on. Another baby step forward.

my house has been made more secure but the feelings of fear keep gripping my heart and it's quite horrible, i assure you. Perhaps if this was the first time something like this happened to me, i'd be a bit faster on the recovery side. Howerver it's the fourth. Car stolen twice and now house broken into twice.

And then of course i wonder why me? i've known lots of folks who go their entire life without either of those two incidents every happening to them. So why do i have to go through this experience? i know that most experiences in life can make you stronger and if you take the time to learn from them, wiser. i try to live that way.

Except this time i just don't understand why my card keeps getting called...and maybe i'm never to know why but i assure you it brings all kinds of emotional crud to the surface and makes me feel ever worse about the person i must be that all this stuff keeps happening to me.

Not fun.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Night the First

Last night was quiet. i slept on the living room sofa with a legal weapon, a phone and my car keys, two cats, three blankets and pillows that kept falling to the floor.

i actually did sleep but was wide awake at 2am...tense...listening. Thankfully all was quiet and still. Twice before that i rose to check out of the windows, concerned that i had heard some kind of noise, but it turned out to be my nerves more than anything.

i think that is the worst thing..trying to get to sleep and feel safe at night. It will come back, because i want it to and will work on such feelings, but it's going to take some time.

Yesterday i had so much anger and i really struggled with that because after all, we are in the Christmas season and my thoughts need to be more about others and about the real reason for Christmas than on the fact that i want to hit someone with a baseball bat. Emotions that are totally on opposite ends of the spectrum. Yet i am finding that today, those emotions are leveling out a bit. i don't feel 'on the edge' today. That, in itself, is a gift.

So little by little, one step at a time, i'll get back to normal and safe. Today, i'm going to do more Christmas shopping with my sister and that will help tremendously, i believe.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Alive. Grateful.

i had a great evening last night. Nothing special but i seemed to get alot done. And then had time to watch for the 2nd time Julie & Julia and while watching got a great idea to maybe cook for a young couple i know like twice a month or so. Not going to blog about it but the movie made me think about how much i love to cook and how i could share that with more people.

Then got ready for bed and was fast asleep until....

2am. Back door alarm is screaming. i woke in a panic thinking it was the fire alarm. Ran downstairs to shut off the alarm and after doing so realized that someone had broken into my house.

This happened one other time a couple of years ago. Instead of panic, now i felt rage. Deep unyeilding rage. Why me? Why again? Who were these jerks to mess up my life? All of that raced through my head as i started to run toward the back door screaming at the top of my lungs..."WHO'S IN MY HOUSE???? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!! GET OUT! GET OUT! IF I CATCH YOU I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! GET OUT OF MY HOOOUUUSSEEE!"

Not one of my more refined moments.

Some time later, after six policemen, three neighbors and my Father all went through my house, i finally felt a bit more relaxed.

i'm still mad though. First of all because i know it's going to take me quite some time to work through this and feel safe and also to be able to sleep well in my house. Secondly because these thugs feel that they can just waltz into your house and take what they want. i SO wish the police had found them. Thirdly, i'm angry. Not a victim. Not violated. Angry. i want revenge. "They" ruined a perfectly good sleep after a wonderful evening and tried to harm me and/or my house. They were in my house. i smelled the cigarette smoke on their lingered in my kitchen. That's MY kitchen. How dare they?

And other emotions - some of graditude: the police were amazing, kind and fast. my neighbors are the best in the world. my Father came without even batting an eye. i was not harmed. Nothing was taken. i found the cats (two cats...both scared but alive and still inside). Nothing was really damaged either. The alarm did what it was supposed to do. i didn't actually kill anyone (even though i screamed that).

And a peace. Peace knowing that i'm God's child and my house was 'given' to Him when i moved in. Whatever He allows to happen is within His control and will and i know it's easy to say because i'm not hurt, but this tests my faith a bit and makes me come face to face with my trust in God.

It also makes me come face to face with the reality that i will be arming myself in the very near future because i will not be molested, harmed or robbed again in my own home.

Also that i'm so very grateful to be alive.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Please Use Your Words peeve time.

i hate when people say "Have a good one..." What is that supposed to mean? Have a good what? A good car crash? A good heart attack? A good day? A good meal? A good time filling up your car with gas? i mean, seriously, what are they trying to say? Am i to believe that it's easier to say "Have a good one" rather than "Have a good day'??? Same amount of words and energy used to say those ....

i just don't understand it.

The other thing i hate is when people say "yuh-huh" or "nuh-uh" Hate it. My little brother does that all the time and i could seriously put him in a sleeper hold when he does. Drives me nuts. i'm always telling him to 'Use Words'...don't just grunt at me...use words that have meaning. Use words to tell me you disagree or agree...not just sounds that make you appear to be a baby walrus. Words.

ok...rant over. Just be forwarned....should you say 'Have a good one..." or grunt at me instead of using words, my head just might explode all over the place.

Just saying...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

All in a day's work

So much has happened in the last month or so that i've felt like i've been stuck in a whirlwind. And all leading up to the Christmas season which i love.

What i've been doing:

1. Helped a family member escape an abusive and unhealthy situation.

2. Had swine flu: The intestinal version. Oh joy. The good part is that i lived to tell the story. The bad part is that i thought i was going home to Jesus at one point.

3. Work has been so busy - not only because of being gone for two weeks but because of the nature of the job

4. Undecorated for Fall/Thanksgiving

5. Decorating for Christmas

6. Watching my beloved Eagles fall apart and play like blech

7. Mourning everytime i see Brian Dawkins in an orange jersey. Double blech

8. This list is not in chronological order..

9. Living life

10. NOT doing a project that i really need to do. my planning, i've been slowly changing the way i eat to include more whole and slow food and less fast and furious foods...meaning, i'm doing more natural food choices. However, with the onset of that horrible flu - it's amazing how fast i switched over to this new way of eating. Amazing how my mind set has changed....

This past summer i made about 9 varieties of jam. All the fruits were hand picked by me (and my little brother - who is small and can climb behind the blueberry bushes..he's a champion fruit picker!) and typically became jam no more than 24 hours after leaving the vine/bush/plant/tree. Talk about amazing taste. In most cases, i picked the fruit and it was jam in about 2 hours. The only thing i wish i could've done differently is that the bushes/plants/trees/vines were my own....that part is still in the dream stage.

i've also made inquires about eating more local produce and meat. i am blessed to live in a part of Pennsylvania that is extremely agricultural, both my county and the one just southwest of me. This makes for very good choices that sometimes can be purchased on the farms themselves. The taste difference is something i'm not willing to give up any time soon. There are a number of co-ops around here as well as locally butchered meats (one of the local grocery stores smokes their own meats that are purchased from local farms....they do the smoking right on the grocery store premises). Again, taste, quality and knowing what the animals are being fed make it easy to make choices that are better for me.

Never a dull moment ..that's for sure!