It is gonna be ok

Just a few minutes ago, i shut off the heater and locked the doors and on my way upstairs, with Celtic Women music softly wafting from my sitting room, i realized: It is gonna be ok.

i checked on the baby, she was soundly sleeping--put her into her sleeping bag and closed the door a bit and heard her sigh. i stood in the doorway for a minute,remembering bed time when my sister (mother of the baby) and i were playing with her earlier in the evening...she was surrounded by her books and softly "reading" to herself (she is 15 months old) and then her soft kisses to Auntie just before her Momma put her to bed and i realized: It is gonna be ok.

And it is very possible that i will lose the house and we will have to find another place to live, or that a miracle could happen and we will be here for a while longer and even in that i realized: It is gonna be ok.

And now i am in my bedroom, about to turn in for the night, the house is still and cooling (making my bed a welcome cocoon), and i feel a deep peace that although the things that have been dragging me into depression are still factors in my life and i still do not have a job and there is still quite a bit of stress attached to things now i realized and realize and hope to continue to realize: It is gonna be ok.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth...Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid....John 14:27

And now for something a bit lighter

Yesterday's post still weighs heavily on my heart and mind and i believe it will for a long time or until i figure out what to do with it.

But something that lights the soul is taking my sweet niece for a walk in the park, stomping through leaves and finding treasures. she is 15 months old and everything is a wonder. The huge yellow maple leaf that we found made her eyes light up and she said, "ohhhhhh"

Yes little one, OH indeed. Wonderment and inspiration are all around us, if we take the time to look.

Our little park has a plethera of trees and so the leaves get all mixed up. Some tiny Japanese maple, bright red are next to huge yellow maples and if you look...there is an oak leaf amongst them, all brown and crisp. The colors are mixed and gorgeous and it does make one say OHHHHH.

We brough a small boquet of fallen leaves home for her Momma...will take them with us when we pick her up from work.

What made your eyes light up and made you say Ohhh...or Wow...??? Just look around...it is there.

A Disturbing Simulation

This past Sunday my church gave a simulation that "took" you to different countries around the world. It was of course focusing on the missionaries that the church supports and the regions where these folks work.

It was very disturbing and upsetting to me.

The church and the folks who were the actors and who did decorations and such did a fantastic first class job. Seriously. i was impressed. They way they helped the hundreds who were there get through and find seating etc was also great, they stayed in character but were helpful if someone had a question or concern. The way it was portrayed, it truly "messed with" your sensibilities. i loved it.

That was not the disturbing part.

And then from different regions, workers shared some stories of how they are not only helping folks find a better way of living and also how they have become accustomed to their new home, but also how people are beginning a relationship with God and how, even in the midst of persecution, those people are thriving. i loved that too. Brought tears to my eyes because i truly love it when any human can better their life, through education, jobs, etc but also because i treasure my relationship with God and find it amazing that He does too. And when others find that love..well..it is rather humbling and awe inspiring.

That also was not the disturbing part.

And because they were doing different parts of the world, they had men and women in Muslim garb and they did the call to prayer and we sat as if we were in a mosque, which was not my first time experiencing that and i was able to tell my sister some of the differences if we were in a real Mosque. They also included in some of their speech anti-American talk, which i realize is not the lifestyle of every Muslim but to say it doesn't happen is poppycock. And they had four women in full burqas, which i truly believe are garments from the pit of hell. Women were not created in the image of an Almighty God to be hidden away in some shapeless garment, faces hidden. We were given curves and beauty for a reason. And it hurts me, deep inside, to see them. i can understand head coverings way more than full burqas. (some of that has to do with living close to large Mennonite and Amish communities all my life).

Even that was not the disturbing part.

The disturbing part came when a woman with three other women simulated a Madame selling her girls in Eastern Europe. And when she said that she had a young virgin that she would sell special to the man who had AIDS because we all knew that sex with a virgin would cure him. The girl was eight years old.

i know it was a simulation. Prostitution did not take place at my church. Never. However, i also know that there are parts of Africa and Eastern Europe and some gyspie tribes that truly believe this. And it is so devastating...more so to the girls who are sold then me, i assure you. But it cut me to the quick. And i cannot forget it. And it hurts. And i do not know what to do to stop child trafficking. Such a messy business. So dirty. So sordid. Girls being turned into women before they should be..oh and what kind of women, eh?

i have an odd view on prostitution perhaps. Though i do not agree with it and let me catch any man of mine visiting one...i assure you, he would never again (and i might go to jail!) and let me tell you, he would be walking with a limp and a bit lighter, if you know what i mean; when adults make adult choices for themselves, it is on them. They are responsible for their own actions. They are accountable and they will reap the consequences whether good or bad. i would encourage, even plead for them to choose a better way of life, but adults are adults.

However, when a child is forced to do an adult action, particularly an adult sexual action, i am both terribly angry and on the verge of being sick. Little girls who wish to be pretty and clean and who want to be mommas or a teacher or have a different career. They who dream of a kind husband, of lighter, of a good life...and i am sorry, but all little girls have these dreams. Some are forced at a very, very young age to kill these dreams but they were there at one point. When that is stripped from them and all they know is that their body is used by grown men and women for painful acts and that if they act lewd and sexy they will be paid more, it literally kills me inside. (and i am only addressing girls....i cannot even talk about what is done to little boys...seriously cannot go there right now).

i am struggling with this because i am typically a "let's do something about this" kind of woman, but this stops me dead and i feel confused and angry and totally overwhelmed that anything i do or say can help. i would rush to any country to help save some of these children, but fear that i would be useless.

But sometimes God calls us to step out of our little comfort zones and get messy and dirty in order to present the opportunity for people to know who He is and know His love and mercy. Sometimes He makes us sick about something because He wants us to get off our butts and do something about it, even though He knows it will hurt our emotions and sensibilities.

Recent circumstances aside, and they are nothing compared to what most of the world goes through, i have had an awesome life. i have a Father who loves me deeply and completely but would cut off his hand if he ever even attempted to hurt one of his kids or wife. i know that many men in this country do not have that self control, and i realize how blessed i have been to have such parents. i have a great family, a house, food, i am warm and clean and have clothes and shoes bursting from my closets. i go to concerts and am free to do just about anything i want, and it is a good life. i am humbled and grateful for this life. i cherish it.

But if i have been challenged to do something more, to reach out beyond my life and help others who have such a need i cannot even wrap my mind around it, but do nothing....

..then that is the most disturbing thing of all.

Full heart equals skimpy blog post

i am working, i think, on a blog post that is rather dear to me about an something i expeienced this past Sunday. Through all of my own moanings of yesterday, this experience remains deep in me and i am not sure i have the words to do it justice. But i might try.

Also this morning i came accross a blog that has challenged me in my writing and in my daily living. That was a nice, nice surpise.

And last night, i stumbled upon this blog: http://thepioneerwoman.com/confessions
which kept me up until the wee hours. Mostly laughing. She is quite a writer and a woman and the things she sometimes says just struck me as funny. That was an added delight and a nice way to end a not-so-good-mostly-terrible-day.

Today is rainy and dark and dismal, yet i have found a number of blessings of the day and that leads to hope and hope leads to keep going which keeps me out of bed and smiling. The situation has not changed much, but i am finding better ways to get through this dark time.

oh and we are eating Mexican food for supper...that alone can brighten anyone's day, right? (well hopefully it will stay tasting like Mexican after i am done with it....my apologies to the Mexican people and cooks.)

Monday, you used to be my friend

i started this day in a bit of excitement. Last evening, my Mom and i went over the Thanksgiving menu and what we were going to do during the day and it was fresh in my mind. i could not wait to start making my lists and plan my grocery list. We have not done Thanksgiving at home in more than 20 years but this year my cousin is battling cancer and does not feel that she can host it as she normally does. So very sad for many reasons, though her prognosis seems to be promising. Still....what she has to endure is great and looming and scary for her. So we are making other plans and it seems a bit odd...but yet will be fun because family will be together.

But i first had to call the unemployment office to settle some question they had. And that call almost shattered me. It was so bad, for me,that i went back to bed. i do NOT want that dark depression to surround me...i will NOT give into it..and after a nice long nap, i do truly feel better. i guess i find that since being unemployed, my reaction to stressful situations is just really poor. i shut down. blech.

So...though the bills are looming and in reality, i might lose my house, i need to continue to focus on positive things...to keep moving...keep applying for jobs and keep real real real close to my Heavenly Father who holds all things in His very capable hands.

i have not gotten back to the joyful attitude of first thing...before the call...but i am hoping that tomorrow will bring good things and that i will be a bit stronger to face the bumps in the road.

Also...Monday Night Football (gonna watch it with my 18 yr old brother) will help.

GO EAGLES!

Can't Believe It!

Most of the time, little things make me very happy.

Today something little...or not so....really made my day.

Not far from my house used to be the most unusual Antique shop you have ever seen. It basically was an old barn and outbuildings where the owners decorated in "rooms" inside. For instance, they had a Coke "room" which was just an area where Coke memorabilia was sold and some other red and white items. It was quite charming and a little overwhelming as they had so. much. stuff.

They decided last year that they wanted to retire and so held eight different auctions to help get rid of a lot of their things. Then the shop closed.

I was rather bummed about it because they had some of the most unusual things and from all different time periods and no matter how you decorate your house, you could find something to enhance it. i have a mostly Victorian house with French and WWII influence (i know, i know..odd but it works) and found some lovely things there that i truly treasure. Pink WWII glass tea set? Adorable and i LOVE serving things on it.

Anyway, today, i was on that road that goes by and i felt a bit nostalgic....and to my delight and surprise, IT WAS OPEN! WHAT???? i kid you not. Open O P E N!

So i stopped in (had my 14 month old niece with me) and went inside. It is completely different but i did see some of the old treasures inside. i didn't care...IT IS OPEN!

After walking through, i talked to the owner and told him how glad i was that they had re opened and he said, " Well you know we retired? (i did) We enjoyed it for a bit but realized that we really missed being in the business so now we are doing it as a hobby and not a business."

Totally made my day. And now i can stop by, look around think of where some things might go...save and Voila!

Happy Saturday to me! (oh, and you too!)

Baby, it's cold inside

i think this winter might be a challenge to keep my home warm. In someone's not so infinite wisdom, the heating system was changed from radiator to forced air. Now it is a good selling point, because all of the duct work was done long ago and it would be easy to have Central Air installed....however, for heating, it is the worst.

Radiator heat heats things....it does not just warm the air, but actual objects in the room, including the air. Forced air just blows around warm air and the minute it shuts off, the room is freezing cold.

So for that reason, for the past six years, i have used a very large kerosene heater as my main source of heat and then supplemented with electric heaters as needed. It works. Yes, it is a pain sometimes, but no more than those who have to haul wood and keep fires going. And yes it it stinky sometimes but that is rare, to be honest. What it does provide is steady warmth that radiates into objects, thus causing the house to feel cozy. i keep it in the dining room, which is in the middle of my home and it makes the second floor (where we spend most of the time in the winter) quite nice.

The price, however, this year went up about 30 cents and so getting kerosene is a bit pricey....and being without a job as of now, it is a bit worrisome as to how to keep the fires going, so to speak. But i have faith and trust and hope (ohh blessed hope) that it is going to be ok and though we might have to have some cold days to conserve or not heat the house at night (when the baby is not here), i think we can manage.

i mean, one Christmas i slept in my parent's shed because everyone in the house had the stomach flu and i was determined that i was NOT going to get it....and i didn't....i also did not get sick from sleeping in the shed, it was quite nice, to be honest! LOL

But then i am crazy like that.





ps. the dog is doing quite well...and she is fun to be around. Today the baby all but laid on her giving her kisses and the dog just laid , thumping her tail. She has yet to bark but is very alert to noises outside, especially those close to the front door....So far, so good.