Night the First

Last night was quiet. i slept on the living room sofa with a legal weapon, a phone and my car keys, two cats, three blankets and pillows that kept falling to the floor.

i actually did sleep but was wide awake at 2am...tense...listening. Thankfully all was quiet and still. Twice before that i rose to check out of the windows, concerned that i had heard some kind of noise, but it turned out to be my nerves more than anything.

i think that is the worst thing..trying to get to sleep and feel safe at night. It will come back, because i want it to and will work on such feelings, but it's going to take some time.

Yesterday i had so much anger and i really struggled with that because after all, we are in the Christmas season and my thoughts need to be more about others and about the real reason for Christmas than on the fact that i want to hit someone with a baseball bat. Emotions that are totally on opposite ends of the spectrum. Yet i am finding that today, those emotions are leveling out a bit. i don't feel 'on the edge' today. That, in itself, is a gift.

So little by little, one step at a time, i'll get back to normal and safe. Today, i'm going to do more Christmas shopping with my sister and that will help tremendously, i believe.