Chez Moi

Hey there!

2011-04-19T22:45:00.002-04:00

Well, for starters i am alive and well.

So here is a quick snap shot:
~still unemployed
~did not lose house .... yet
~more thankful about that then you have any idea
~Niece is doing well although this back and forth thing (stupid shared custody) is causing some bahaviour problems
~Also, she will be 2 in August
~And she is hilarious and knows it
~ i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad Spring and warmer weather is here
~i applied for a job in New York City and Atlanta, GA as well as about 10 here locally.
~applying for jobs non stop is exhausting
~Baseball season started
~Phillies have lost the last two games
~i am not happy about that
~i think that is all for now
~OH and computer bit the dust...totally fried. boooo

...In All Things

2011-02-11T13:11:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it catches me unawares. The longing. The sudden and painful tugging at my heart. The feeling of loss...of never ...of why? Not often, thankfully. i have worked through it...have let that dream go...have focused, instead, on what is at hand.

But sometimes....sometimes i allow myself to grieve for what i, am rather sure, will never have. And then i remember that i have so many other things. i should not be ungrateful. My heart, is, however, because i am human and not perfect and oh! so selfish.

i have so many other ways to love, to experience love, to show love, to give love. So many need it. i have alot of it stored up...but stored up for what? For me? For later? i guess i realized that my visions of "later" may never come to fruition. So why hoard it? Give it away. Bless someone else's life with love, kindness...caring.

And then, be thankful. Give thanks that i have been given a heart that is tender and loves. Give thanks that there are those who lack it so that i can help them, love them, pour into their lives

The ache will always be there...i know that. But it is the NOT focusing on me...and my grief that frees me up to love others unconditionally.

In all things....be thankful. In all things...give love. In all things...do not be selfish and hoard what has been given...give it away.

i am learning.

Thankful

2011-01-31T19:57:00.002-05:00

Today, i am choosing to be thankful ..because i truly believe that will help keep the depressing reality in check.

i am thankful for:

*a cupboard that is not yet bare. Getting thin but still plenty to eat and i have not been able to get a good grocery order since November.

*the ability to apply for jobs, even though nothing has come of it yet, i am still hopeful and still finding things for which to apply.

*my doggie came through her spaying surgery with no problems. Although when she was moaning in pain and discomfort two nights ago, it was horrible, but she is doing so much better today.

*the series we are going through at church has been amazing and i have been so challenge and am growing so much. Even the things i wrestle with...that still promotes growth.

*that sweet little niece. Oh my but she is a joy to be around. my little siblings are all grown up and i have forgotten how dear and precious babies are...and how quickly they learn. Amazing.

*my cat, Moses.

*all this snow! What a winter. i can promise you that when (if) warm weather comes around, i will be singing at the top of my lungs! But i do love the snow.

It's The Little Things

2011-01-18T17:06:00.002-05:00

Recently, i think i mentioned this before, i have been challenged to find at least one thing a day, and write it down, for which i am grateful and/or thankful. The idea behind this is to grab each day as it has been given to you, to appreciate even the tiniest things that are good and to focus your attention on the positive things of life, rather than the negative.

As i have stated ad nauseum, my troubles and problems with unemployment and the like, i believe, more than ever, that this exercise is something that i must do. Must.

Actually, i am rather excited about it all. Won't it be fun to to draw my attention to the positive? Won't it be nice to read my words that reflect fun things and not always the moaning and complaining? LOL yes, i imagine it will.

i am going to start today, but probably will not post things for a week or more...want to get into a routine before going global with the idea.

2011...the year of taking delight in the little things.

i've lost that global feeling whoooaaa that global feeling...

2011-01-14T07:46:00.002-05:00

Hmm...just realized a bit ago that because my own problems, lack of work, possible losing of my house, family issues and all that goes with that, have loomed so large in my mind, i have totally lost my global focus.

Not cool.

my desires, prayers, concerns and worries have, of late, all been about ME. ME ME ME ME...

ugh. That, in reflection, grosses me out. Like totally...with a trailer hitch...or a spoon.

i have always desired to have a global focus in my life. What that means to me is that though i take care of the home front, i know what is going on, basically, in the world. There are friends, workers, missionaries, dignitaries for whom i pray that i also know what is going on in their world. Blogs that are read to keep me up to date with situations in foreign places...places that have suffering people, or, on the flip side, prosperous people, about whom i have interest. i enjoy that. It keeps me humble and able to focus not on me, but on others.

But.....i realized about 1/2 hour ago, with total conviction, that i have been wearing backwards reflectors. Ewwww....that means that all i see is me. my problems, my issues, my complaints, my stress, my lack of money, or lack of work, my relationships that need to be mended, my lack of patience and gentleness sometimes, my worry about the niece, my, my my my arent i boring?

The beauty of this all is that this is a new morning. Clean slate to start anew with concerns, prayers, thoughts and encouragement to others. Clearly my own situation is not ideal at present. Clearly there is stress that goes with being unemployed....however, clearly there is a need for me to get my eyes off of myself...lift them upward and outward and grasp the world.

It feels good, you know? To chase away that stagnant air that sometimes resides in your soul. Most times we do not even realize it is there...until we take a breath of something sweeter...then...then the growth can begin.

So here is to a new morning, full of mercy.
And a new outlook that includes the world and not just lil ole me.

Whew! What a relief!

she

2011-01-13T12:26:00.002-05:00

Today she wears pink, SWEET written on her top, brown eyes bright and sunny whilst we read book after book. Small lil pig tails bounce as she decides to climb on the chairs that were a present for me when i was two yrs old. Perfect size for little arms and legs, learning how to get up on a chair, sitting at a table that is yours alone.

Today, she decides to spread a blanket on the floor and give one to her mother and they pretend to sleep on beds, and then to follow me downstairs whilst i do a few chores, alway curious. She likes to see how things go together, she watches closely, her pigtails tickling my face as she leans in close to get a better look. Of course, then i cannot see but i breathe her in, deeply and laugh out loud at her cuteness. Even in this, she is learning.

Every week, when she comes to us, i see differences. She is taller, a bit thinner, walks better, talks more...growing.

There are temper tantrums and acting out towards her mother and we are aware of this and work through them, hearts breaking that for now, her little world is kind of topsy turvy. We try to provide the same routine, safety, comfort, stability and lots of laughing, singing and reading...oh yes, do not forget about the reading.

Soon she will be 18 months old. She is a delight. She is a marvelous creature. She is gonna be a handful when she is a teen, but for now....for now, i remind myself to take the days slowly, at her pace, and treasure every pig-tail-bouncing-tickling-my-face moment.

Let It Snow!

2011-01-11T21:07:00.002-05:00

Just came in from walking the dog a few minutes ago and realized, during the walk, how amazing snow is. It muffles every noise, reducing city noise to quiet. It makes people stay in, allowing me to let the dog run free and i could twirl and run also. It covers all the ugliness and makes it pure white...gorgeous...stunning...pristine...cold.

Oh it is cold out there, but felt wonderful. Snow is coming down at a nice steady clip..we might have a good eight inches by daybreak. (i am rooting for more).

So now we are snuggled in the house. Feeling a bit sleepy from our romp...ready to snuggle down and sleep deeply.

i do not always love winter, it is hard to get through, but i sure can manage better when there is snow on the ground.

YAY for snow!

Sheesh, are you kidding me?

2011-01-10T23:35:00.003-05:00

So.

i have been thinking that i have been doing really well in my attitude and in my mind set and intentions during this entire lay off period and with the money struggles. i wasn't trying to be proud or high on myself but rather, just pleased with the forward progress i have been making.

Until Sunday.

i enter into church. Happily. Glad to be there. Happy to sing and ready for the sermon. i like the subject. i enjoy the Pastor. Everything is grand. It is a good, good week. Yay God. Yay me.

um....and then i realize HOW FAR i have to go. Good grief. Not that i then became depressed or sad or what have you...no, it was no guilt trip or feeling bad about myself, but rather a challenge to be a better woman, a more devoted follower of Christ, a woman of intense integrity and honor and love.

So...let the work begin.

Also? Note to self: do not think of yourself to highly.....just saying.

January Rest

2011-01-07T13:09:00.002-05:00

i have been challenged by a number of women to make January a month of rest. Not physical rest but emotional and mental rest. Slow things down, think more deeply and slowly, ponder, and to take time for wonder and amazement.

That is not an easy task given the way the US runs...always at full speed ahead, anchors away, throttle down until you collaspe. But that is not how i like to live. I do not mind hurry and bustle and stress as long as it has an end. So January will be my month of quiet.

And i have to be honest, i am not always successful. i sometimes feel agitated in my spirit and cranky and have to take a deep breath and remember to slow it down...relax...enjoy the now...while making memories for the future.

Best of times, worst of times

2010-12-27T11:14:00.002-05:00

Christmas was an odd day for me. It was "off" and did not play out how i wish it would have. Somehow the stress i have been under morphed into something less than attractive and for that i am upset with myself. i just wanted the day to be over and that is sad, isn't it?

However, today is a new day and so i try again...try to be a better woman, to touch those around me with love and grace and to handle this stress in a more gracious way.

So, i am aiming for a "best of times" kind of day.

i am gonna complain

2010-12-17T09:57:00.002-05:00

Ready? Ok..here we go.

The Weather:
i do not mind cold. i love snow. i do not mind a few murky, cloudy days. i love sunshine. However, these endless days of murky skies, cold, wind with NO snow...it is kind of getting to me and it is only December. Common Winter...let's get it right and do not make me hate you. Let's try a sunny day, mid 30's and some snow at night. That would be a blast!

Money:
i hate money and the need for it. Cuz when you are low/don't have any, it can make one grumpy/depressed/mad and that is not fun. Just saying.

Christmas:
i LOVE Christmas but i cannot, cannot, cannot stand the commercialism and the NEED to buy things you do not need. Clothing, chocolate, iced tea, bread...there we have it. Basic needs of life :grin: For the wee lass, my sister does not want cheap plastic things ...but rather educational, or little people rom Fisher Price (cuz every kid needs those at least once!), clothing, shoes (she LOVES shoes...YAY!) and that is about it. We have tons of books and she spends a lot of time just sitting and reading through them. It is so much fun to see. But those who pressure my sister to get the latest things...ugh.

And that is it, really. Guess that is not too bad for a murky, cold, windy day where i cannot find chocoalte anywhere in the house! LOL

Happy Day of Complaints

Learning

2010-12-13T18:14:00.002-05:00

Sometimes the love for her wells up in me so much that it hurts my throat.

The sweet smell of her, the tiny fingers becoming strong and able to do so much, the adorable feet, the soft, soft skin. The voice that babbles on, making conversation that i truly wish i could understand. The way she is learning. Recognizing words (at 16 months!), knowing every person's name in our family, remembering how to walk to her class at church, taking the world by storm.

She is not even my child. She did not come from my body. i was not even there at her birth. But somehow this little one is wrapped up in my heart so tight then when she is not here, i almost feel empty.

How is this possible?

And she is teaching me..teaching me to be a better Auntie...how to best relate to her...to all of mankind. Sometimes you have to be firm, almost stern with folks, sometimes you have to shout out if there is imminent danger...most of the time, laughter, cuddling, snuggles and just being together can take care of so many problems. She is teaching me this.

oh and patience...oh my yes. We do not have to rush through life, rather one step, or one bite of food, or a long bath or reading the same book over and over can really take care of so many things. It fills our hearts with time...no need to rush...it will get done eventually.

And let us not forget the importance of naps. If more people took naps, this world would be a kinder place. A grumpy lass given the ability to nap for two hours brings forth a charming and delightful child.

And i am learning. Learning how to love in a different way. Learning things about parenting that i never knew. Learning that my mother was mostly right about everything (!).

Sometimes a little baby changes everything.

A Bit Ragged

2010-12-06T00:34:00.002-05:00

It is officially Monday morning, i have yet to go to bed. Just taking some quiet time to sit in the glow of my Christmas lights and reflect on this past weekend.

i feel rough. my emotions are right at the surface. It has not been an easy weekend.

A woman i have known for 20 plus years may not make it through this night. About a week ago she was diagnosed with cancer. Now....she is almost gone. Things like this draws one up short to make me stop and reflect....if i had that same prognosis, what would my reaction be? How would i be remembered? A bit morbid, perhaps, but thoughts like these encourage me to not become stagnant in my life but ever moving, ever changing, ever growing and maturing. It also reminds me to not take anything for granted. Sobering.

my sister is going through a rough patch as well and her method of coping is to lash out. That makes things particulary difficult when we are the only two living in this house. i am finding it harder and harder to just ignore this infantile behavior.....yet...yet, i need to put myself in her shoes from time to time and act with compassion. (i am afraid my compassion is gonna leave a foot print in her behind!)

So this quiet time of reflection, kind of like hitting the restart button....drop back and punt.....quiet myself and get ready for the week to come.

Shameless ...

2010-11-29T17:58:00.003-05:00

i have never been one to be a groupie of any group/person/organization/idea. i have typically stood on the outskirts of something and just watched...enjoying the activity but without any attention drawn to me. You could always find me on the edge...smiling and watching...thoroughly enjoying everything going on but not ready or willing to jump up and join in.

But these days, i wonder: why not? Why not do something totally outside my comfort zone? Why not join in the laughter and fun? Why not make a fool of myself for something i totally enjoy? Why not?

So friends, i have to admit...

i am a Chaser.
i am a shameless Chaser. (oh sheesh..i am already blushing and trying to delete those last words...see what i mean?)

Here is the story. There is an a Capella group called Straight No Chaser. 10 men who went to Indiana University have now become a touring group. They found publicity with a YouTube video of them singing a spoof on the 12 Days of Christmas and Atlantic Records picked them up...and is slinging them all over the country...literally.

i heard about the video and then went to my first concert early in the Spring 2010 (in a scary theater in Landsdowne, Pa). Since then i have seen them in Reading, in Hershey and will see them again in Reading on New Year's Eve.

Their fans are called Chasers and i think i have officially become one!

10 men (none of them ugly, if you know what i mean) who have amazing voices, do not take themselves too seriously and have arrangements (done mostly by one of the members) that are breathtaking. They practice an art....but in a way that is fresh and new. This is not just a standard a Capella group...oh no...there is dancing. Yes ladies...dancing. Not in a lewd way..but fun..creative..totally sexy without offending anyone.

So i would like to say

Hi, my name is laura and i am a Chaser.

Check out Straight No Chaser....who knows, you might be a chaser too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7_aYt2FcdI

Being Thankful all the time

2010-11-27T11:48:00.002-05:00

Recently i have been challenged to count my blessings all the time. There is also a community of bloggers who do this, apparently, and you actually count the blessings, the things that you are grateful for. i would imagine that it fosters a heart of thankfulness and gratitude and that even through difficult circumstances, you are able to see how blessed you are.

So i need to research this a bit more, but think it is a healthy excersise which will, hopefully, become a lifestyle.
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Today is a bit of a down kind of day. Not in emotion but in activity. i am still in my pj's and it is almost noon! (shock and horror. i know . I KNOW!) But it sure feels nice to just have a quiet day. Baby, dog, cat are all sleeping. House is finally getting warm (it was cold last night) and i feel all cozy and homey. i was going to start to decorate for Christmas, but honestly, i love my Fall decorations..those colours are so grand and warm and....and i might tackle that on Monday! Since i have problems with Monday anyway, might as well do something really nice, right? Right

Giving Thanks

2010-11-24T13:50:00.002-05:00

For the past two days, i have been working at my folks' house getting ready for our Thanksgiving meal. Made pies yesterday and today did some of the dishes that could be premade and then just reheated. Tomorrow, of course, is the main even and we have a jammed packed day. Should be tons of fun.

In all of this work, i have paused to give thanks many times. Thanks that i am close to family who love to be together. Thanks that we have the means to have this kind of food. Thanks that i am able to do the work, alongside my mother and sisters. And that is the tip of the iceberg. Yes, it has been a really rough past two months and may be worse in months to come. But...BUT in all things i want to give thanks.

And i am thankful for friends (like you!) who encourage me and help me to give thanks for everything.

Just stuff....

2010-11-23T10:20:00.003-05:00

This dog we got is incredible. Someone somewhere had to have worked with her. she is completely housebroken, is loving but obeys commands, walks on the lead like a trooper and is very loyal.

she does not mind at all when the baby steps on her and thinks the cats are amusing. i have yet to hear her bark at home (we heard her once in the pound as we were walking away...that was kind sad). she does have some stray tendencies with food but i think over time, she will see that she is always fed and that will lessen (but she listens/obeys when we correct her behavior).

she weighs 60 lbs and thinks she is a lap dog.

No seriously, she does. Just a big ago, i was sitting on the floor and she attempted to climb into my lap...of course i encouraged her to see if it would work, but alas, it did not, mostly because i was being squished and could not stop laughing.
**************
Speaking of not being able to stop laughing, my 18 yr old brother has the game Call of Duty. He is getting better at it and i said i wanted to try. Please realize that i cannot even play Mario without dying off and screaming when i miss a jump or when those things come at me. It is rather hilarious.

So last night i said i would play with him. i chose my weapon and we started...we were supposed to shoot one another (nothing says family love like hunting each other down). However, i am horrible at this and ended up making my guy go around in circles backwards, shooting the dirt....mostly because i cannot control the thing properly and mostly because i was laughing so hard because i couldn't control the thing and mostly because it was hilarious. i do not think i should join any armed forces...though i am good with weapons in real life....(mostly).

**************************
Thanksgiving is in two days.
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The weather outside is frightfully dull. Either sun or rain, please. This murky stuff is kinda gross.
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i am wearing a Brian Dawkins #20 Eagles Jersey today. i have said, though i really am not a fan of tattoos, that should i ever get his autograph, it will be tattooed on my body.

Is that taking fandom a bit too far? No? ok...i didn't think so either (even though he now plays for the Broncos....that move broke my heart and i am still not over it..not even kidding..i cried....)
i mean have you
1)seen the man play? Safety...flying tackles..insane blocking...hard hitting....plays with intense passion...loved Philadelphia fans and we love him still
2) seen the man's muscles? i will stop right there lest i cross a fine line between admiration for the human body vs. pure lust.

Happy Thanksgiving to me! :grin:

Honestly?

2010-11-22T13:33:00.002-05:00

Ok Monday, here is the deal. You and i are not friends and it is unlikely that we will ever be friends. However, since i am human and created just a little lower than angels...guess what? i win. i win because i am going to see you as a challenge...a small obstacle to overcome. i am not going to give in to your dark depressing thoughts and feelings. Yes, the weekends are always nice, mostly because the sweet little one is here and on Monday she is not. And yes, since being laid off, i feel mostly an empty sense of "what now?" because i really should be getting up for work, not lying in bed fighting you.

But guess what? i win. Always. You had your month of dark Mondays. Fun, wasn't it? But even though it was tough to get going today and even though i had to overcome alllll of what i just wrote, i did it.

So honestly? though you throw your best stuff at me, and you always do, i win. The house is clean, i am about to take the dog for a nice long walk and then gonna plan for Thanksgiving. See? All good and positive things.

"Greater is He that is in me, then Mondays"
(very, very loosely translated.)

It is gonna be ok

2010-11-18T22:57:00.003-05:00

Just a few minutes ago, i shut off the heater and locked the doors and on my way upstairs, with Celtic Women music softly wafting from my sitting room, i realized: It is gonna be ok.

i checked on the baby, she was soundly sleeping--put her into her sleeping bag and closed the door a bit and heard her sigh. i stood in the doorway for a minute,remembering bed time when my sister (mother of the baby) and i were playing with her earlier in the evening...she was surrounded by her books and softly "reading" to herself (she is 15 months old) and then her soft kisses to Auntie just before her Momma put her to bed and i realized: It is gonna be ok.

And it is very possible that i will lose the house and we will have to find another place to live, or that a miracle could happen and we will be here for a while longer and even in that i realized: It is gonna be ok.

And now i am in my bedroom, about to turn in for the night, the house is still and cooling (making my bed a welcome cocoon), and i feel a deep peace that although the things that have been dragging me into depression are still factors in my life and i still do not have a job and there is still quite a bit of stress attached to things now i realized and realize and hope to continue to realize: It is gonna be ok.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth...Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid....John 14:27

And now for something a bit lighter

2010-11-18T12:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday's post still weighs heavily on my heart and mind and i believe it will for a long time or until i figure out what to do with it.

But something that lights the soul is taking my sweet niece for a walk in the park, stomping through leaves and finding treasures. she is 15 months old and everything is a wonder. The huge yellow maple leaf that we found made her eyes light up and she said, "ohhhhhh"

Yes little one, OH indeed. Wonderment and inspiration are all around us, if we take the time to look.

Our little park has a plethera of trees and so the leaves get all mixed up. Some tiny Japanese maple, bright red are next to huge yellow maples and if you look...there is an oak leaf amongst them, all brown and crisp. The colors are mixed and gorgeous and it does make one say OHHHHH.

We brough a small boquet of fallen leaves home for her Momma...will take them with us when we pick her up from work.

What made your eyes light up and made you say Ohhh...or Wow...??? Just look around...it is there.

A Disturbing Simulation

2010-11-17T11:41:00.007-05:00

This past Sunday my church gave a simulation that "took" you to different countries around the world. It was of course focusing on the missionaries that the church supports and the regions where these folks work.

It was very disturbing and upsetting to me.

The church and the folks who were the actors and who did decorations and such did a fantastic first class job. Seriously. i was impressed. They way they helped the hundreds who were there get through and find seating etc was also great, they stayed in character but were helpful if someone had a question or concern. The way it was portrayed, it truly "messed with" your sensibilities. i loved it.

That was not the disturbing part.

And then from different regions, workers shared some stories of how they are not only helping folks find a better way of living and also how they have become accustomed to their new home, but also how people are beginning a relationship with God and how, even in the midst of persecution, those people are thriving. i loved that too. Brought tears to my eyes because i truly love it when any human can better their life, through education, jobs, etc but also because i treasure my relationship with God and find it amazing that He does too. And when others find that love..well..it is rather humbling and awe inspiring.

That also was not the disturbing part.

And because they were doing different parts of the world, they had men and women in Muslim garb and they did the call to prayer and we sat as if we were in a mosque, which was not my first time experiencing that and i was able to tell my sister some of the differences if we were in a real Mosque. They also included in some of their speech anti-American talk, which i realize is not the lifestyle of every Muslim but to say it doesn't happen is poppycock. And they had four women in full burqas, which i truly believe are garments from the pit of hell. Women were not created in the image of an Almighty God to be hidden away in some shapeless garment, faces hidden. We were given curves and beauty for a reason. And it hurts me, deep inside, to see them. i can understand head coverings way more than full burqas. (some of that has to do with living close to large Mennonite and Amish communities all my life).

Even that was not the disturbing part.

The disturbing part came when a woman with three other women simulated a Madame selling her girls in Eastern Europe. And when she said that she had a young virgin that she would sell special to the man who had AIDS because we all knew that sex with a virgin would cure him. The girl was eight years old.

i know it was a simulation. Prostitution did not take place at my church. Never. However, i also know that there are parts of Africa and Eastern Europe and some gyspie tribes that truly believe this. And it is so devastating...more so to the girls who are sold then me, i assure you. But it cut me to the quick. And i cannot forget it. And it hurts. And i do not know what to do to stop child trafficking. Such a messy business. So dirty. So sordid. Girls being turned into women before they should be..oh and what kind of women, eh?

i have an odd view on prostitution perhaps. Though i do not agree with it and let me catch any man of mine visiting one...i assure you, he would never again (and i might go to jail!) and let me tell you, he would be walking with a limp and a bit lighter, if you know what i mean; when adults make adult choices for themselves, it is on them. They are responsible for their own actions. They are accountable and they will reap the consequences whether good or bad. i would encourage, even plead for them to choose a better way of life, but adults are adults.

However, when a child is forced to do an adult action, particularly an adult sexual action, i am both terribly angry and on the verge of being sick. Little girls who wish to be pretty and clean and who want to be mommas or a teacher or have a different career. They who dream of a kind husband, of lighter, of a good life...and i am sorry, but all little girls have these dreams. Some are forced at a very, very young age to kill these dreams but they were there at one point. When that is stripped from them and all they know is that their body is used by grown men and women for painful acts and that if they act lewd and sexy they will be paid more, it literally kills me inside. (and i am only addressing girls....i cannot even talk about what is done to little boys...seriously cannot go there right now).

i am struggling with this because i am typically a "let's do something about this" kind of woman, but this stops me dead and i feel confused and angry and totally overwhelmed that anything i do or say can help. i would rush to any country to help save some of these children, but fear that i would be useless.

But sometimes God calls us to step out of our little comfort zones and get messy and dirty in order to present the opportunity for people to know who He is and know His love and mercy. Sometimes He makes us sick about something because He wants us to get off our butts and do something about it, even though He knows it will hurt our emotions and sensibilities.

Recent circumstances aside, and they are nothing compared to what most of the world goes through, i have had an awesome life. i have a Father who loves me deeply and completely but would cut off his hand if he ever even attempted to hurt one of his kids or wife. i know that many men in this country do not have that self control, and i realize how blessed i have been to have such parents. i have a great family, a house, food, i am warm and clean and have clothes and shoes bursting from my closets. i go to concerts and am free to do just about anything i want, and it is a good life. i am humbled and grateful for this life. i cherish it.

But if i have been challenged to do something more, to reach out beyond my life and help others who have such a need i cannot even wrap my mind around it, but do nothing....

..then that is the most disturbing thing of all.

Full heart equals skimpy blog post

2010-11-16T13:49:00.004-05:00

i am working, i think, on a blog post that is rather dear to me about an something i expeienced this past Sunday. Through all of my own moanings of yesterday, this experience remains deep in me and i am not sure i have the words to do it justice. But i might try.

Also this morning i came accross a blog that has challenged me in my writing and in my daily living. That was a nice, nice surpise.

And last night, i stumbled upon this blog: http://thepioneerwoman.com/confessions
which kept me up until the wee hours. Mostly laughing. She is quite a writer and a woman and the things she sometimes says just struck me as funny. That was an added delight and a nice way to end a not-so-good-mostly-terrible-day.

Today is rainy and dark and dismal, yet i have found a number of blessings of the day and that leads to hope and hope leads to keep going which keeps me out of bed and smiling. The situation has not changed much, but i am finding better ways to get through this dark time.

oh and we are eating Mexican food for supper...that alone can brighten anyone's day, right? (well hopefully it will stay tasting like Mexican after i am done with it....my apologies to the Mexican people and cooks.)

Monday, you used to be my friend

2010-11-15T17:44:00.002-05:00

i started this day in a bit of excitement. Last evening, my Mom and i went over the Thanksgiving menu and what we were going to do during the day and it was fresh in my mind. i could not wait to start making my lists and plan my grocery list. We have not done Thanksgiving at home in more than 20 years but this year my cousin is battling cancer and does not feel that she can host it as she normally does. So very sad for many reasons, though her prognosis seems to be promising. Still....what she has to endure is great and looming and scary for her. So we are making other plans and it seems a bit odd...but yet will be fun because family will be together.

But i first had to call the unemployment office to settle some question they had. And that call almost shattered me. It was so bad, for me,that i went back to bed. i do NOT want that dark depression to surround me...i will NOT give into it..and after a nice long nap, i do truly feel better. i guess i find that since being unemployed, my reaction to stressful situations is just really poor. i shut down. blech.

So...though the bills are looming and in reality, i might lose my house, i need to continue to focus on positive things...to keep moving...keep applying for jobs and keep real real real close to my Heavenly Father who holds all things in His very capable hands.

i have not gotten back to the joyful attitude of first thing...before the call...but i am hoping that tomorrow will bring good things and that i will be a bit stronger to face the bumps in the road.

Also...Monday Night Football (gonna watch it with my 18 yr old brother) will help.

GO EAGLES!

Can't Believe It!

2010-11-13T12:30:00.003-05:00

Most of the time, little things make me very happy.

Today something little...or not so....really made my day.

Not far from my house used to be the most unusual Antique shop you have ever seen. It basically was an old barn and outbuildings where the owners decorated in "rooms" inside. For instance, they had a Coke "room" which was just an area where Coke memorabilia was sold and some other red and white items. It was quite charming and a little overwhelming as they had so. much. stuff.

They decided last year that they wanted to retire and so held eight different auctions to help get rid of a lot of their things. Then the shop closed.

I was rather bummed about it because they had some of the most unusual things and from all different time periods and no matter how you decorate your house, you could find something to enhance it. i have a mostly Victorian house with French and WWII influence (i know, i know..odd but it works) and found some lovely things there that i truly treasure. Pink WWII glass tea set? Adorable and i LOVE serving things on it.

Anyway, today, i was on that road that goes by and i felt a bit nostalgic....and to my delight and surprise, IT WAS OPEN! WHAT???? i kid you not. Open O P E N!

So i stopped in (had my 14 month old niece with me) and went inside. It is completely different but i did see some of the old treasures inside. i didn't care...IT IS OPEN!

After walking through, i talked to the owner and told him how glad i was that they had re opened and he said, " Well you know we retired? (i did) We enjoyed it for a bit but realized that we really missed being in the business so now we are doing it as a hobby and not a business."

Totally made my day. And now i can stop by, look around think of where some things might go...save and Voila!

Happy Saturday to me! (oh, and you too!)

Baby, it's cold inside

2010-11-12T10:27:00.003-05:00

i think this winter might be a challenge to keep my home warm. In someone's not so infinite wisdom, the heating system was changed from radiator to forced air. Now it is a good selling point, because all of the duct work was done long ago and it would be easy to have Central Air installed....however, for heating, it is the worst.

Radiator heat heats things....it does not just warm the air, but actual objects in the room, including the air. Forced air just blows around warm air and the minute it shuts off, the room is freezing cold.

So for that reason, for the past six years, i have used a very large kerosene heater as my main source of heat and then supplemented with electric heaters as needed. It works. Yes, it is a pain sometimes, but no more than those who have to haul wood and keep fires going. And yes it it stinky sometimes but that is rare, to be honest. What it does provide is steady warmth that radiates into objects, thus causing the house to feel cozy. i keep it in the dining room, which is in the middle of my home and it makes the second floor (where we spend most of the time in the winter) quite nice.

The price, however, this year went up about 30 cents and so getting kerosene is a bit pricey....and being without a job as of now, it is a bit worrisome as to how to keep the fires going, so to speak. But i have faith and trust and hope (ohh blessed hope) that it is going to be ok and though we might have to have some cold days to conserve or not heat the house at night (when the baby is not here), i think we can manage.

i mean, one Christmas i slept in my parent's shed because everyone in the house had the stomach flu and i was determined that i was NOT going to get it....and i didn't....i also did not get sick from sleeping in the shed, it was quite nice, to be honest! LOL

But then i am crazy like that.

ps. the dog is doing quite well...and she is fun to be around. Today the baby all but laid on her giving her kisses and the dog just laid , thumping her tail. She has yet to bark but is very alert to noises outside, especially those close to the front door....So far, so good.

We got a dog!

2010-11-08T12:40:00.002-05:00

i think that i have posted the multiple times when either my house or my car has been vadalized and/or broken into and/or stolen. House twice, car three times. Last week, someone broke into an empty house on the block. They did no damage and the police came right away, but the house next to mine is also empty and i do not want a third break in.

We found her on Wednesday and got her on Saturday!

i will post more about her later, but we are experienceing some attitude from some neighbors which is very unpleasant and really upsets me. These are good neighbors who have been good friends and yet they do not seem to understand that two single women plus a baby living together might want a little more protection. That baffles me a bit. i think things will all work out in the end, but for now it is unpleasant.

But hey! We got a dog!!! And she is so sweet ...i think she went through a lot of hardship and/or abuse before the Animal Rescue League found her but we are glad to have her and will nurse her back to complete health (she has some skin issues....).

Honestly, it does make me feel better. i even took her with me to the store today and felt better about coming back to the car and it still being there! LOL. It is a good thing...a very good thing.

The neighbors and their roaches.

2010-11-05T20:11:00.002-04:00

i have lived in my city home for 8 years and though i see the occasional roach and/or mouse, i truly hardly see any bugs in my home. One reason could be that i am a clean freak, the other reason is that i have laid down roach traps every once in a while as a precaution and my cats take care of any mice...plus two winters ago, i plugged up every hole in my basement (100 yr old house...basement walls are brick with plaster and there are some gaps in some of the bricks...or used to be!)

So i really have not had a problem....until recently.

Enter my neighbors. i am connected to that house on one full wall...every room. They were very dirty, they fried chicken all the time, kept their trash (tons of baby diapers) on the back porch, once had a dead possum in their house for days and days (the mother was running from the constables and had left the house...the possum got in through a back window that was always hanging open and could not get out...and died...and stank). They were notorious for their drug dealing, and i even believe she was running a small prostitution ring, would spit and throw up on the sidewalk and piss out of their windows.

This is in the historic district of my city.

Almost every week one of my other neighbors, or myself, would call city codes and complain. We called the police, we fought with them and daily i prayed that God would remove them. They did not know how to use an inside voice and used the "f" word every third word spoken. i am no prude by any imagination, but it was more than i could handle. The stress and strife and tension on the block was felt by all. i believe they were the ones who broke into my house and maybe the houses of some others. Long story a bit shorter....they were horrible.

They moved about one month ago. Skipped rent and moved. The owner came by looking for rent and i told them they had moved. i also told them we had seen mice running around inside their house and outside as well.

And the roaches.....

Apparently, they had tons of them. The other day, i saw three in one night and i about died. Then i saw three more early this week and was ready to burn down the house. i cannot stand roaches. They are from hell. i hate them.

So.....i have armed myself with bleach, roach bait, Borax, diatomaceous earth, paper towels, and grim determination that this house will NOT become infested. i have caulked places where there were gaps in the kitchen, i have scrubbed and cleaned and you could seriously eat off of my kitchen floor (just got done mopping it...the water wasn't even dirty). i moved the fridge today and cleaned, i clean under the cupboards and stove....i am telling you, i think i might be going crazy.

i have threatened to have the house sprinkled with holy water and will get a Pastor all up in here and then let's see what scurries around this house. i have declared war on them...and i will win. (cause if not, i am moving!)

But i must say, though these two weeks have been a pain in the neck dealing with the roaches, i am more than glad that those people moved away. Now am just hoping and praying for nice, clean, quiet people.

Do you think that could be possible????

They laughed at me...!

2010-11-04T22:08:00.001-04:00

Today was rainy and cold and i wanted to take the day off and just stay in bed to read...which i did. Not depression related at all, just reading. That lasted until about noon and then i had a lot of things to get done. It did feel like i had the morning off because i was able to just relax.

When i mentioned this to my mother and sister, they broke out in peals of laughter. Apparently when one is unemployed, one has every day off.

hmphf! i disagree...every day i am cleaning or running errands or applying for jobs...

So grrrrrr to them. Homemakers can have time off too!

Keeping busy

2010-11-02T14:38:00.002-04:00

Despite the month of darkness, i actually did get a number of things accomplished. One of those being fall house cleaning. i threw out a bunch of stuff, gave a ton of things to Goodwill (even some beloved books!!!), washed almost all my windows, and have done almost all the curtains. Today, i did my bedroom curtains and though they were not gross and terribly dirty, it sure smells amazing when they are fresh and clean and the breeze is blowing through them.

i also patched my roof numerous times (oh yay), fixed my gutter on the side of the house (will need to replace it in the Spring) and painted and put up a border in my entry way. Those things make a difference in how the house looks and feels. Also helps with a good mood.

OH! and decorated for the fall. i surely love my fall decorations, the vibrant hues....they will stay up until Thanksgiving and then will start to decorate for Christmas. Those things always make me happy as well. Not terribly life changing but lighten the mood...the spirit...and it makes my house look pretty too.

When i came home from doing laundry today, my first thought when i walked in the house was ...OHHH how pretty. (i cleaned big time last night) And that is such a very, very nice thought to have of one.s house, is it not? To enjoy coming home. Truth be told, i have some rooms that look horrible, because they need some repair or total remodel (after all the houes was built 100 yrs ago), but the cleanness and decorations are something the soothes..and invites..and relaxes me.

So come on over for a cup of coffee or tea...

It has been an entire month...

2010-11-01T16:33:00.002-04:00

...since i last posted. Good grief, where did the time go? ohhh, i know...i was depressed and under the covers most of October. So that could be part of it. meh.

i am not usually a depressed kind of person, i mean, everyone has down days but October was just hard on me this year and i don't know why. Today is the first Monday in more than a month where i did not sleep till 10am and then spend the rest of the day on the couch. How pathetic is that?

But here we are, in a new month and with some determination, God's grace and strength and a new schedule (and a good glass of wine or two) it is going to be a great month, indeed.

Also, in the month of October, i found Mrs. Meyers Clean Day products and instantly fell in love. That helps to make the house spic and span which will also lift one's spirits...AND i did incredibly well with coupons and sale items last month for grocery shopping. my sister and i saved over $100 and had a good bit of money left over for the rest of the month. So it wasn't all a bust...

So here's to a new month, kids.

Lists

2010-09-27T12:12:00.003-04:00

So last night, when i could not sleep and it was oh...three o'clock in the morning, i was thinking about: College scholarships, the things i need to get done before winter and so much more. Of course now i cannot remember 1/2 of those things but whilst in the thick of the brain wave, it was amazing all that i was going to accomplish.

Being a list girl i am going to post what i need to get done through the month of October. Hopefully this will keep me on track and help me accmplish ALOT!

1. Leak in roof must be addressed....even if i nail a stupid tarp over the area (HAHAHAHA...)
2. Decorate entryway...
3. touch up trim in living room
4. Keep working on my quilt
5. fix broken window on third floor
6. buy and install two new window locks
7. price/buy/install new kitchen facuet
8. Fix pantry so that it is actually useable for canned goods and boxed items

that should keep me busy, right?

Also, last night i had a couple of conversations with my SIL which set my mind to whirling...namely saving money through the smart use of coupons and smart shopping. This opened my mind to doing things in a whole different light and being a bit more agressive. She bought over $200 worth of groceries the other week and paid $93 just by using the sale items and then couponing those sale items. Not everything in her cart was sale items but the majority, thus cutting way down on expenses. She also, like many i know...and even myself in some things, have started a stockpile of food and items, buying now while she and my brother have jobs and things are good....in case either the economy goes completely bust or they lost jobs, etc. This is a very smart thing to do because if you purchase mulitple things while they are on sale, rotate the groceries and household items and replenish those things, you are really being smart with your money and also have extra to share for some who might have a true need (or you just feel like giving stuff away).

i have started some of that with canned goods...not a lot though, but will probably pick that back up in the very near future....t0liet paper and paper towels are also a great thing to stockpile.

Much more to say, but i hear there is a good sale at AC Moore and Bath and Body Works and i want to go check them out. Also, its raining and grey and i need to get more candles!

Happy Monday!

Two things

2010-09-24T11:11:00.002-04:00

Only two things today.

1. i showed my niece the DoReMi part of Sound of Music this morning. She was, to my complete delight, mesmerized with eyes as wide in wonder as saucers. That made my day completely as Sound of Music is by far my favorite movie ever. Yes, i said ever. i know...i know..

2. i have started making a quilt totally by hand...no machine. i am finding that my stitches are not too bad...need to get them a wee bit smaller but that they are relatively straight. The quilt is not going to be very big as it is my first endeavor...and it will probably look very rustic and homemade by a three yr old but it is a start. i'm actually really excited about it...disaster or not.

It just feels right

2010-09-21T12:21:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a nice puttering around the house kind of day. i took off the summer decorations and put the autumn ones in place....which are by far my favorite. The warmth that autumn colours bring to a home is so lovely and wonderful...and oddly relaxing. Plus i love to change the decorations...not really one of those every holiday kind of folks...i don't have enough talent or patience for that...but seasons plus Christmas.

As i was doing this i came upon some very old linens that i have that were my Irish great grandmother and grandmother's. They are old and wonderful and embroidered in spots and Irish tatting on others and doilies and....so much. So i determined to starch a good bit of them and place some around my home as well. A bureau scarf on my hope chest, a nice crocheted item on the mantel under all the fall decorations, a autumn hankie as part of the dining room table decor.

And then i started in on the linen napkins and other hankies that i have. Starched the napkins and put them in the buffet and ironed the hankies (ladies hankies...i must have around 50 of them...my grandmother put a new one in her pocketbook every day...she was very proper that way) and put them in the dresser drawer. i intend to use them.

And it just feels so right to use things that have been passed down to me...generations old, nice wonderful linens..surrounding myself with my heritage.

Blessings

2010-09-20T10:22:00.003-04:00

(my sweet niece)

Lately my sister and i have received so many blessing from so many people that would extremely hard to find something about which to complain. We have custody of her daughter on a part time basis...meaning that 1/2 week she is with us and 1/2 week with her father. When this custody agreement was laid out, it seemed to be a good thing until it was put into practice. It stinks. But anyway, this is what it is and so we do the best we can.

For some reason, about two weeks ago, i realized that we really had no autuumn clothes for her...a few things but everything was all of a sudden getting too small and we kind of went into a panic. my unemployment leaves a little for such things but very little and so i put on facebook as well as prayed about this very real need. i can forgo shopping for shoes this winter because i have plenty but a growing baby is a whole different game. SO...long story is that i bought a brand new snow suit for $5, one facebook friends knew another who had beautiful almost new clothes to give for free and then because of a birthday celebration, my sister and sister in law gave clothes to the baby for her birthday as well as multiple pairs of shoes.

All that is needed is long sleeved undershirts, a jacket and pjs....i can do that. Also my sister just got a job so she can do that. We can do this!

Amazing.

Life is still hard in spots, but today i am going to purpose to look at the blessings

i freakin love this time of year

2010-09-17T10:02:00.002-04:00

Yes, i said freakin. i know, i know. Booo on me. But this is truly my favorite time of the year. Tonight begins one of the areas oldest local fairs...so that will be a hoot. Mostly people go there to eat, Good PA Dutch food and regular fair food too. Then there is all the judging of the articles, photos, garden produce, animals, etc ,etc. my Father actually entered a few photographs just for kicks. We'll see how he did tonight. i probably should have entered my strawberry jam, but i didn't...it was a great batch!

And then there is just the fun of walking around gawking at people. That, my friends, makes me laugh more than anything. This area is chuck full of PA Dutch-y types and the accent (!) plus the way of looking at things are just fun. Plain ole fun.

Of course you always have the young kids who are fair-ies...meaning they go to any and all fairs just to hang out and be seen! i think i used to do that when i was young...especially at the McClure Bean Soup Festival. Yes...there is such a thing. Huge iron kettles over wood fires cooking bean soup. i dont know why....but it was fun! i would probably still go down to McClure for the Bean Soup if i lived closer.

Do you go to fairs? Which kind are your favorites? Do your local fire companies have tug-o-war tournaments? Yup we have that too over in the Lancaster area...and that is a feast for the female eye....young bucks full of muscles pulling on ropes..their back and arm muscles straining...thighs pulling back.....sheesh about to set an ole woman into heat.....or something.

Happy Fair Season to one and all!
(i gotta go...i just got all hot and bothered thinking about those male muscles)

Well that wasn't expected!

2010-09-16T10:59:00.002-04:00

Yesterday we got a call that my Father was in the hospital...with chest pains. Oh joy. He was working and felt some pains come on....FINISHED WHAT HE WAS DOING....and then took himself to the hospital. By the time he got there he was in intense pain, with pain in his jaw and a severe headache. However, saints be praised (!) it wasn't a heart attack and actually he passed his stress test this morning with flying colors, as well as all blood work was fine and his ekg. It was something else that can present as a heart attack....

But it gave me reason to pause....every day is precious, no matter one's circumstances. Not to be held as if it is fine china, but to lived wildly...unashamed of joy...loving with all you have and just being happy.

Another nice lil kick in the butt for me...

Also? drink more wine.

Where in the world is ME?

2010-09-15T12:02:00.003-04:00

(how is that for creative use of the english language?)

So it has been a very long time since i have felt like blogging. i was in quite a slump both personally and professionally and did not feel that i had anything to share, even for myself. Unemployment, though very freeing, has been a bit of a strain and though i think i can make it, it is still unnerving. However, i do feel that everything is going to be ok....will keep going till i can't go anymore...then i will live under a bridge...see how that will all work out?

i have, howver, kept trolling on everyones blogs and one that i read this morning kinda gave me a kick in the rear to get me going again. The writer asked her readers what do we do every single day to nourish our souls...??? um..be depressed? worry about finances? yeah, no.

i used to be very good at nourishing my soul but kinda got off track. So here is to a new beginning of really enjoying life, no matter what is going on. i mean really enjoying it. No more moping around feeling sorry for myself because that does not at all nourish you...it deplete you.

Having my niece around (just turned 1 yr) truly helps because she is just SO COOL...and funny...and sweet...and tries to be like the big kids and wants to play football with the boys and that nourishes me...or when she lays her sweet head on my shoulder and just snuggles in...that nourishes me...(what is it about baby's heads on your shoulder that just makes things seem ok....)

And today i am going to decorate my house for the autumn season. my wreath is already on my front door, but now for the insides. That will also help.

And lest anyone think i have just been sitting around eating bon bons and drinking wine, i have been very busy this summer....

Projects done:
Totally painted front porch after scraping and sanding it
Re Painted front door....hung pretty wreath
Fixed front porch by myself
Helped neighbors hang gate between our houses
Helped another neighbor re do her sidewalk (i relaid all the bricks after we took them out and leveled the area)
Painted two neighbors front porch railings and helped a third with hers
Cleaned the house on a regular basis
Shampooed the 2nd floor carpets
Did gardening work and have already started the wintering process for the garden
Scrubbed the alley way and my back porch
Painted the railing on my back porch

Projects yet to do before winter
Clean all windows
Fix gutter on side of house
address leaks in roof and fix or cover with rubber roofing (its a flat roof)
Get oil for heater
Winterize windows (fix one broken window)
Wash all curtains

Noursih my soul....daily.

Reason #87652 There Should be a Man in my Life

2010-08-13T10:28:00.002-04:00

i own a very cute row home in the not at all famous city in which i live. It is truly cute and has amazing molding and high ceilings and tons of windows for a house in a city. It has the original scroll work on the front porch as well but when the guys who were flipping my house were redoing it, they decided to put indoor/outdoor carpeting on the front porch.

...of my very Victorian cute home.

But not knowing what was under said porch, i allowed the carpet to stay and dutifully vacuumed it every week. What a pain.

Last weekend i decided enough was enough and tore the whole thing off and was rather pleased with the wood underneath. About half of the porch is new wood and the other half the old but it is in decent shape.

On Wednesday i put the first coat on the floor, Monday and Tuesday were for touchups and some other repairs to the wood. i was going to do the 2nd coat on Thursday....however it has rained both Thursday (yesterday) and today. blech

i guess I could be more observant but i would like to think that if a MAN were involved in the intimate details of my life, he would tell me (after checking the weather like a normal human being) that i should do the first coat on Tuesday and 2nd on Wednesday. He couldve said something like:

"Yo Babe" (cuz i would totally expect to be called Babe on a regular basis), "its gonna rain later in the week so....."

And he would have ended up being my Hero.

That's all i am really looking for. A Hero who can give me good advise and take out the garbage. See how easy i am?

Erm...wait...maybe not easy...oh shoot..at my age who gives a rip...its skin to the wind and call me easy!

Let me off this crazy ride!

2010-08-12T09:42:00.003-04:00

This summer has not gone at all like i had hoped or planned. More drama and stress then when i was working! What is up with that?

The whole sickness thing took me a while to totally recover so that was fun. Then the antibiotics caused my skin to itch (at the last dosages) so much that i thought i was going to lose my mind. Oh the joy.

Then my sister, who lives with me, had big problems with her daughters father and had to take him to court (in fact heading there again tomorrow) which upped the stress for both of us. Shared custody is the worst and i would advise any parent who struggles with an abusive other parent to NOT GO THERE. Fight for full and see where it goes. Shared is bonk. Nuff said.

And the whole money stress makes me want to start living in my car and just move from place to place...except i have a honda civic and would have cabin fever in 2 days! LOL

Summer of sweat and stress. Bah.

oh well....life is like this sometimes, isnt it? And we really must do our level best to make it through and enjoy the good bits.

Like when said niece puts her arms around my neck and her little head against mine....

Pure bliss.

Summer To Do List

2010-07-21T13:52:00.003-04:00

1. Travel via car with family to Oklahoma to see youngest sister graduate from Boot Camp - Check
2. Travel back via car without completely ruining relations with family - check
3. Come down with a severe case of strep throat (first time ever in life) complete with very high fever and coughing- check
4. Then get pink eye - check
5. And a sinus infection - check
6. Look for a job - in process
7. Have a fabulous tan - not happened yet
8. Write to-do list - maybe tomorrow
9. Play around on facebook and the internet - check
10. um.....

Quiet moments

2010-06-16T16:19:00.002-04:00

Right now, i'm watching South Africa play Uruguay in the World Cup. my sweet little niece is sleeping on my brother's bed, my brother is softly snoring in the lazy boy, my mother is gardening, my sister (the baby's mother) is chatting on the computer, my dad just got home from work and is going through the mail and my littlest brother is just hanging out. It's a dark day and my sister, niece and i decided to come over to the folks' house for a bit....

It's a welcoming thing - this quietness. Almost a protective feeling in their house....

i love moments like this - i love my family and today i truly love that i can spend time with them. Blessed.

i should have been a librarian

2010-06-09T13:20:00.001-04:00

i'm reading everything in sight these days. i bought three books last week - all around 500 pages - the first one was read in less than 24 hours. ...the second one was started last night. It's an addiction, i tell you. The need to read. HA!

i think this love started when i was very young - both parents love to read - i was read to alot - didn't have a TV when i was from ages 8-16yrs and spent ALOT of time at the local library. Thought i was a big shot when i went from reading downstairs in the kids sections to upstairs in the young teens section. i still think i'm a big shot - i guess. AND i need another bookshelf.

Greedy and vain, i am.

And i'd love to discuss this further, but i have to go finish that book.

Unemployment

2010-05-31T21:12:00.002-04:00

So this is unemployment. Hmm...not as bad as i thought it would be, but also comes with it's own set of questions and stressors.

The past two weeks have been rather busy - to be honest. Family matters have taken most of the time and energy and not much time has been spent relaxing and regrouping - i need to change that right quick.

Flyers are in the Stanley Cup - now that is exciting!!

One more week

2010-05-06T12:05:00.001-04:00

Next week at this time, i'll have one more day of work and then headed into the happy, but unpredictable land of unemployment.

It's bittersweet for me because i do love working with the faculty and tolerate the students...but the administration and the direction this place is taking is something i'll be glad to leave. Bittersweet.

i also have some totally awesome co-workers and they will be missed....and i'm SCARED...scared, i tell you about the whole financial aspect...wowza..i wasn't until my mortgage doubled. Not sure how i'm gonna make it. Trying to dig down deep where i have the reserve of faith and trust that God WILL provide...and i know He's able...just is a scary place to be right now...

Six more weeks

2010-04-05T12:03:00.001-04:00

In six weeks (or 30 business days) i will join the unemployed masses. my position is being 'dissolved' in a strange and wacky restructuring that my place of employment seems to need to do.

i've wanted to leave here for two years but was afraid to 'go out there' where there are no jobs. However, the choice is no longer mine.

Somehow it's all terribly, terribly freeing.

Why???

2010-03-01T15:05:00.002-05:00

i'm not one who typically questions too much what happens in nature. Wildfires, earthquakes, storms,etc are just part of the cycle of the world. It happens and that's just that. i have no problem with it ....usually.

i'm having a small problem understanding why right now. Why Haiti? Yes, i know that their government is terribly corrupt..but so is the government of every country. And now Chile.

i'm not questioning that God exists or that He cares about people in a true and personal way - i'm just so sad and wondering why.

And also....which country is 'next'

Guess this kind of things will keep my prayer life alive and vibrant!

Love

2010-02-03T11:42:00.001-05:00

For the record, i just love snow.

Climate-Gate

2010-02-02T12:14:00.002-05:00

SO....how interesting is it to continue to read about the 'scandal' of hidden/tampered with data that previously fueled all the Global Warming craziness.

i remember some time ago a local meteorologist stated that the GW bit was really a ruse to get the public all stirred up. He totally believed that if one would study weather patterns, one would see that the earth typically goes in cycles and that warming is part of the cycle, as is cold. And he did believe that we need to care for the earth but not in the way that was being fed to us by the drive-by media.

When i now read how scientists screwed up and hid true facts and tampered with evidence - so that it would prove what they wanted it to - first of all, i think the should be taken out back and shot-their 'data' has cost the general public millions of dollars, but i also think that the general public needs to be more careful and less gullible. Don't just drink the cool aid...do some research and figure things out for yourself.

Interesting idea, no?

Haiti

2010-02-01T13:24:00.003-05:00

i have found that if i try to understand and view all that has happened in Haiti in the past three weeks, i feel completely overwhelmed. Completely. Our donations, while needed, are such a drop in the bucket to help that country and the devestation is so complete--the number of amputees alone is staggering and makes one feel very small.

But i have found a blog that has helped me focus on one small organization and one couple and one clinic and that has helped me - given me knowledge, yet held off the nightmares.

i'm going to post the blog address here with one condition. The people who write the blog are American missionaries who have lived in Haiti for a long time. They believe in God. So if you are opposed to either of those things - DO NOT READ IT. Move on and find one that will suit you. But do not leave comments or remarks on their blog that tries to debate what they do or how they operate with their views on God. They have been through hell and back and to be petty and trite is not appreciated.

If you are interested in reading this and even if you disagree - and know how to be a responsible, respectful adult - please do read it....you will get a picture of what is going on and how to donate/pray/help.

http://www.livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/

Thanks.

Hey! Hey! Whadda ya say?

2010-01-27T15:23:00.003-05:00

In a zaney crazy mood. It's a decent day and i'm happy. i'm alive and able to walk and think and just be me. Every day is a blessing, everything i have or own is a gift. i get so overwhelmed with the devestation of Haiti so i limit all reading to just one blog and that has helped tremendously. i am just so grateful to be.

AND on facebook, i just uploaded all the recent books (since starting facebook not all the ones i own) and am up to 115 books - most of them read, i think my 'to read' list is about only at 11 books...that's not bad, eh? Problem is, i'll be through that list in no time and then will have to take the time to find more. Oh well...not complaining...actually quite happy about that 'problem' as well!

It's just a very good day. i'm choosing happiness today!

PS...NOT to worry - i just found eight more books to add to my 'want to read' list. How awesome is that????

Never know how blessed you are....

2010-01-13T12:02:00.002-05:00

....until you read/hear about Haiti's earthquake and how utterly devastating it was and continues to be. i know that country is a 'mess' to begin with but this just adds so much to it - horrible actually.

And out of this rubble comes support from all over the world. This country sending rescue dogs, that country sending canned goods and medicine, another one sending nurses, and yet another sending teams of engineers and trying to repair phone lines. And it kinda warms your heart - because though there is ALOT of evil in this world and even in this tragedy there will be many who will profit or pilfer or do more harm-evil is like that-there is also a vast amount of good. Many people who are praying, imploring Heaven to be merciful to those folks, to help them find survivors and to comfort those who's lives have just be torn apart. There are vast amounts of people who will give donations, even in these times of recession, there are those who will take vacation early, or a leave of absence and provide medical care or engineering help or will make soup for hours on end, or pass out bottles of clean water...

And it makes me realize, yet again, that i am a blessed woman in so many ways. i don't live a perfect, trouble-free life, but i am blessed..

...and incredibly thankful!

Let's talk about love, baby...

2010-01-10T19:57:00.002-05:00

Love. It's a rather important aspect of life. Without it humans can literally die. When we receive love, it's amazing how we feel...how it affects our lives. When we give love, however, sometimes it's thrown back in our faces or rejected and sometimes that makes us question alot.

i love my sister. i love her because she is my sister as the very basic reason and for so, so many other reasons in between. i also like her - alot.

i don't agree with her choices and now, after only 48 hours, she is making some of those same horrible choices. And that hurts so much - not because she's done anything to me - after all, it's her life and her choices as well as her consequences. But it hurts because she deserves and can do so much better. And she's chosing not to.

But i love her more...and although my love may not ever be enough to help her (not rescue...help), it will never fail or falter.

After all, God loved me uncondionally and requires me to do the same to others (the second greatest commandment). If 'others' is my sister, how much greater should that love be?

i want to do what is right

2010-01-07T15:42:00.002-05:00

i want do the right thing. It doesn't have to be the popular thing or even the easy thing, but the right thing.

Back in early December i wrote that i had helped a family member escape an abusive situation. Now that family member, my sister, is coming back to the area against all family counsel (and her lawyer's as well). If she were acting alone and with only herself in mind, i would be prone to 'live and let live' and let her find out, even through the hard knocks of life, the path that she is to take and how God wants her to live. However, there is a five month old child involved in all of this and as anyone knows, that changes everything.

So i've said she can live with me for now. And i'm struggling to not feel depressed that it's all going to end badly and i'm inviting more turmoil into my home and life vs. wanting to be her cheerleader, helping when and where i can and backing off when i should. i WANT this to end well. i WANT her to grow and mature and be a wonderful mother and provide a stable envirornment for that baby (who, of course, is the cutest happiest baby in the world). i WANT her to follow God's path for her life and not just live for herself. i WANT her to succeed and get through these turbulant years.

But i'm not sure it's gonna happen.

So....i am going to do what i truly feel is the right thing to do for now. And then we'll just have to wait and see how things play out. i'm not a victim and never will play that part so if things DO get out of hand, i will be tougher than a Marine drill sgt. (oh yes i will...make no mistake about that!) and said sister will know that up front.

i'm still sick and still not sleeping before 3am - awake, tense, listening for any would-be intruders. Blech -i'm so done with that in the day time, but when i get into bed, everything changes. So stil working through alllll of that junk.

A lot on my plate right now.

Hope i can do it well.

Well Happy New Year to me and Odds/Ends

2010-01-05T11:54:00.003-05:00

So...to celebrate this auspicious occasion of 2010 - i have formally come down with some sort of cold and/or flu. my throat is killing me and i feel real fuzzy in my head. Oh the joy. The stupid part is that i had 12 days off of work for the holidays and on the very last day, Sunday, is when i got sick. How dumb is that? Not very good planning on the part of my body.

*****************************

my favorite football team, Philadelphia Eagles, had a horrible game against the hated Dallas Cowgirls on Sunday - adding insult to my already injured flu-stricken body.

***************************

Funny conversation:

On Sunday i went over to my folks' house to watch the above game and...

Me: OH Wow! Facebook has a Shoe Society
Dad (looking up from the book he was reading): Who is that?
Me: no..not a who, a what. A Shoe Society...that's so awesome. Where you can learn more about shoes and get great deals and see the latest styles...
Dad (very quizzical confused look on his face): I don't understand your words. I don't understand what you are saying.
Me: That's ok Dad...that's the way it's supposed to be.....

Resolutions, anyone?

2010-01-01T15:40:00.003-05:00

Long ago i gave up the notion that making New Year's Resolutions was a good idea. Mostly becuase by February, i was unable to even remember half of them or see the reason why i should follow through. So i don't do them anymore.

However, this year, i have a few projects in mind..things that i really want to accomplish.

Most of these projects revolve around my home and they are:

1. Repaint living room and get new lighting fixtures
2. Repaint foyer
3. Repaint front door
4. Repaint kitchen and get new flooring
5. Totally redo dining room, new light fixture and new window treatments
6. Remodel bathroom
7. Work on making basement less damp and scary.

And that, my friends should take me well into this new year. The biggest project, of course is the bathroom - although mine is tiny...and i truly mean tiny. i'm not getting new bathtub/sink/toilet, but the fixtures need to be changed as do the walls and the window needs some help. It should'nt be too costly but i've never done a bathroom before so.....

oh and there's a leak somewhere on my bathtub - i believe it's in the shower pull up thing-y.

So if you can't find me - look somewhere either in Lowe's or Home Depot in the paint section, or find me on a ladder in my 1st floor.

Happy New Year to me!!!!

A new year!

2009-12-31T14:17:00.001-05:00

How exciting! A new year is almost upon us. i always like the new year because it feels like a fresh start (although i'm well aware that lots of 'junk' is brought from one to the next). i like fresh starts...do overs...refreshes, etc.

i don't have any New Year's Resolutions just yet. Will post them when i do!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May 2010 be a good one for us all!

Amost a week

2009-12-28T14:35:00.002-05:00

At 2am on Tuesday it will be one week since someone thought they would help themselves to the contents of my house, or even me. To say it's been an easy week would be a gross understatement. Quite the contrary, it's been very difficult but i'm trying to work through all the feelings of fear and let my life get back to where it was.

Some baby steps forward: For the past two nights, i've slept at home in my own bed. Of course, i've not fallen alseep until after 3am but still...in my own bed. Previous to that i slept on the couch and then a couple nights at my folks' house 'for the Christmas celebrations' (as i liked to call it...it was, rather, me just being scared).

Tonight, i am going to try to sleep in my own bed, well before 3am and with the bathroom light off instead of on. Another baby step forward.

my house has been made more secure but the feelings of fear keep gripping my heart and it's quite horrible, i assure you. Perhaps if this was the first time something like this happened to me, i'd be a bit faster on the recovery side. Howerver it's the fourth. Car stolen twice and now house broken into twice.

And then of course i wonder why me? i've known lots of folks who go their entire life without either of those two incidents every happening to them. So why do i have to go through this experience? i know that most experiences in life can make you stronger and if you take the time to learn from them, wiser. i try to live that way.

Except this time i just don't understand why my card keeps getting called...and maybe i'm never to know why but i assure you it brings all kinds of emotional crud to the surface and makes me feel ever worse about the person i must be that all this stuff keeps happening to me.

Not fun.

Night the First

2009-12-23T15:01:00.002-05:00

Last night was quiet. i slept on the living room sofa with a legal weapon, a phone and my car keys, two cats, three blankets and pillows that kept falling to the floor.

i actually did sleep but was wide awake at 2am...tense...listening. Thankfully all was quiet and still. Twice before that i rose to check out of the windows, concerned that i had heard some kind of noise, but it turned out to be my nerves more than anything.

i think that is the worst thing..trying to get to sleep and feel safe at night. It will come back, because i want it to and will work on such feelings, but it's going to take some time.

Yesterday i had so much anger and i really struggled with that because after all, we are in the Christmas season and my thoughts need to be more about others and about the real reason for Christmas than on the fact that i want to hit someone with a baseball bat. Emotions that are totally on opposite ends of the spectrum. Yet i am finding that today, those emotions are leveling out a bit. i don't feel 'on the edge' today. That, in itself, is a gift.

So little by little, one step at a time, i'll get back to normal and safe. Today, i'm going to do more Christmas shopping with my sister and that will help tremendously, i believe.

Alive. Grateful.

2009-12-22T14:16:00.002-05:00

i had a great evening last night. Nothing special but i seemed to get alot done. And then had time to watch for the 2nd time Julie & Julia and while watching got a great idea to maybe cook for a young couple i know like twice a month or so. Not going to blog about it but the movie made me think about how much i love to cook and how i could share that with more people.

Then got ready for bed and was fast asleep until....

2am. Back door alarm is screaming. i woke in a panic thinking it was the fire alarm. Ran downstairs to shut off the alarm and after doing so realized that someone had broken into my house.

This happened one other time a couple of years ago. Instead of panic, now i felt rage. Deep unyeilding rage. Why me? Why again? Who were these jerks to mess up my life? All of that raced through my head as i started to run toward the back door screaming at the top of my lungs..."WHO'S IN MY HOUSE???? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!! GET OUT! GET OUT! IF I CATCH YOU I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! GET OUT OF MY HOOOUUUSSEEE!"

Not one of my more refined moments.

Some time later, after six policemen, three neighbors and my Father all went through my house, i finally felt a bit more relaxed.

i'm still mad though. First of all because i know it's going to take me quite some time to work through this and feel safe and also to be able to sleep well in my house. Secondly because these thugs feel that they can just waltz into your house and take what they want. i SO wish the police had found them. Thirdly, i'm angry. Not a victim. Not violated. Angry. i want revenge. "They" ruined a perfectly good sleep after a wonderful evening and tried to harm me and/or my house. They were in my house. i smelled the cigarette smoke on their clothing...it lingered in my kitchen. That's MY kitchen. How dare they?

And other emotions - some of graditude: the police were amazing, kind and fast. my neighbors are the best in the world. my Father came without even batting an eye. i was not harmed. Nothing was taken. i found the cats (two cats...both scared but alive and still inside). Nothing was really damaged either. The alarm did what it was supposed to do. i didn't actually kill anyone (even though i screamed that).

And a peace. Peace knowing that i'm God's child and my house was 'given' to Him when i moved in. Whatever He allows to happen is within His control and will and i know it's easy to say because i'm not hurt, but this tests my faith a bit and makes me come face to face with my trust in God.

It also makes me come face to face with the reality that i will be arming myself in the very near future because i will not be molested, harmed or robbed again in my own home.

Also that i'm so very grateful to be alive.

Please Use Your Words

2009-12-08T08:18:00.003-05:00

Ok...pet peeve time.

i hate when people say "Have a good one..." What is that supposed to mean? Have a good what? A good car crash? A good heart attack? A good day? A good meal? A good time filling up your car with gas? i mean, seriously, what are they trying to say? Am i to believe that it's easier to say "Have a good one" rather than "Have a good day'??? Same amount of words and energy used to say those words..so ....

i just don't understand it.

The other thing i hate is when people say "yuh-huh" or "nuh-uh" Hate it. My little brother does that all the time and i could seriously put him in a sleeper hold when he does. Drives me nuts. i'm always telling him to 'Use Words'...don't just grunt at me...use words that have meaning. Use words to tell me you disagree or agree...not just sounds that make you appear to be a baby walrus. Words.

ok...rant over. Just be forwarned....should you say 'Have a good one..." or grunt at me instead of using words, my head just might explode all over the place.

Just saying...

All in a day's work

2009-12-03T15:59:00.002-05:00

So much has happened in the last month or so that i've felt like i've been stuck in a whirlwind. And all leading up to the Christmas season which i love.

What i've been doing:

1. Helped a family member escape an abusive and unhealthy situation.

2. Had swine flu: The intestinal version. Oh joy. The good part is that i lived to tell the story. The bad part is that i thought i was going home to Jesus at one point.

3. Work has been so busy - not only because of being gone for two weeks but because of the nature of the job

4. Undecorated for Fall/Thanksgiving

5. Decorating for Christmas

6. Watching my beloved Eagles fall apart and play like blech

7. Mourning everytime i see Brian Dawkins in an orange jersey. Double blech

8. This list is not in chronological order..

9. Living life

10. NOT doing a project that i really need to do.

Also...in my planning, i've been slowly changing the way i eat to include more whole and slow food and less fast and furious foods...meaning, i'm doing more natural food choices. However, with the onset of that horrible flu - it's amazing how fast i switched over to this new way of eating. Amazing how my mind set has changed....

This past summer i made about 9 varieties of jam. All the fruits were hand picked by me (and my little brother - who is small and can climb behind the blueberry bushes..he's a champion fruit picker!) and typically became jam no more than 24 hours after leaving the vine/bush/plant/tree. Talk about amazing taste. In most cases, i picked the fruit and it was jam in about 2 hours. The only thing i wish i could've done differently is that the bushes/plants/trees/vines were my own....that part is still in the dream stage.

i've also made inquires about eating more local produce and meat. i am blessed to live in a part of Pennsylvania that is extremely agricultural, both my county and the one just southwest of me. This makes for very good choices that sometimes can be purchased on the farms themselves. The taste difference is something i'm not willing to give up any time soon. There are a number of co-ops around here as well as locally butchered meats (one of the local grocery stores smokes their own meats that are purchased from local farms....they do the smoking right on the grocery store premises). Again, taste, quality and knowing what the animals are being fed make it easy to make choices that are better for me.

Never a dull moment ..that's for sure!

All bottled up

2009-11-13T08:06:00.003-05:00

Recently, i've been writing in my paper journal more than i've done anything online. i'm not sure why, when i have about 50 posts just waiting to grace the internet - but they seem bottled up inside..not quite willing to shout my thougts to the world. Maybe i'm in a quiet part of my life, who knows. i'm not destressed by it but would like to get some of this stuff out of my brain/heart so i can fill it up with other good things!

So much to say, so little time...

2009-10-28T11:41:00.002-04:00

There are multiple posts floating around in my brain but i've not had a minute to sit down and compose anything worth reading.

First on the list, the Phillies are again in the World Series. If you are not a Phillies baseball fan you have NO idea the absolute joy this brings. It's fun. It's nerve wracking. It makes me want to throw up, with a smile. Yeah. Odd. However, to put it into perspective, my Father, a long-time Phillies fan told me the other day that listening to some of the great baseball calls of the play offs prior to the Series caused tears to stream down his face. Being a fan of Philadelphia sports isn't just a fad or a 'fun' event...it's really deep and personal. The Phillies get this and understand that the fans dont just watch and cheer, they understand the game and analyze it and talk about it around the supper table and teach their children from babies on how to understand and cheer for the Phillies. So that starts tonight and i can hardly concentrate on anything today.

Second on the list would be how i'm changing so much of my thinking about food and what i eat and how i eat it and i purchase and from which place and so on. And my desire to grow my own and be more self sufficient and so forth. That is an entire post on it's own.

Third is how amazingly proud i am of my sister. She is a freshman in college and is in Army ROTC and will be sworn in through National Guard this year and then on to Army ROTC next year and eventually, should she keep on that path, will graduate from college as an Officer. She realizes after this summer (when she completes Basic Training) that she will be eligible for deployment- and all that the decision to go forward means. She understands the risks to her very life and yet she is still incredibly excited about doing this and enjoys it. There are no words to express how proud i am of her...how proud my family is (and a bit scared too...we know...we know). When she was home for Fall Break, she brought her uniform and put it on for us...she showed my 93 yr old Grandfather, who served in the Navy in WWII and then worked as a civilian for the Philadelphia Naval Yard for many, many years....and he saluted her. Patriotism runs deep in my family...and now even more so. She is my baby sister...

And there are more things to talk about..as writing sometimes becomes my therapy and i can express my heart better with the written word than the spoken.

Until later....

Not again!

2009-10-08T12:03:00.003-04:00

Last night, I had to do a road trip - a quick five hour affair...got home at 2.30am. It was awesome because i truly love road trips.

What i don't love, however, is when i 'see' things that then happen.

For instance, we stopped at a rest stop early in the trip (because we left so so late) and i waited in the car. While i was waiting, a young, very good looking man went into the restaurant. i noticed him primarily because it was about 9.30pm and yet he was dressed as if he had come from a business meeting and was very neat and tidy and did i mention handsome? He held the door open for an older woman and then proceeded into the restaurat. i noticed when he came out he had a small bag of something and a coffee...and for some reason, i NEEDED to see which car he got into. i didn't realize the 'why' of this but i had that compeling inner tug. i watched him and quietly wished him well. Again, didn't know why i felt like doing that - kinda odd.

When we got back on the road - about five minutes after the young man left - we passed an accident. Car parts everywhere. Glass.. Firetrucks, ambulance and police. It was a mess. Didn't see if anyone was hurt. Didn't want to because it was the car of the young man.

i knew that was going to happen to him. But i didn't realize that i knew it until i saw it.

Not the first time that has happened and it always, always freaks me out. i have learned, though, that when i have an inner drive to wish someone well or take on an interest in that stranger, i pray for them. Asking God to protect them and bless their life.

But it still freaks me out. Everytime.

Like a medicated band-aid

2009-08-21T14:26:00.001-04:00

On Saturday, i am going shopping.

i will be shopping for new stockings, heels and probably a new skirt or two....maybe even a handbag, if i can find one i like.

That will make some things that seem out of whack put right back into place.

i mean, seriously, what ravaged soul can't be cured with a pair of stilettos?

Moving on

2009-08-20T11:18:00.003-04:00

i'm suffocating here...i have to get out.

i was going to wait...but i can't.

God always makes a way when there seems like the road is blocked....i kinda need Him to make a way today...seriously.

Never Ending

2009-08-11T10:27:00.002-04:00

This has been the summer of jam...

strawberry, cherry, raspberry, black raspberry, blueberry, blackberry, peach....

i was looking forward to making peach jam - because that was going to be the end of the jam making season for me - i had all the jars used up and everything was planned just right.

Until one of my neighbors asked me to make Apple Jelly for her
and another one wondered if i'd try Apple Butter and hey! how about Pumpkin Butter but do you think it'll work with butternut squash? And let's try - but oh! i don't know how to do any of that canning stuff so hey, can you do it?

i'm so weak.

i said 'Yes'

i guess jam/jelly season isn't quite over......

Getting so close

2009-07-27T11:26:00.002-04:00

i'm so close to just walking away from it all....finding a new direction for my life.

i scare myself when i get like this - because i did that once and was out of work for about four months....some of the best months of my life but kinda freaky when money started to run thin.

i just want more from life....

i found it!

2009-07-21T13:31:00.002-04:00

Yesterday i was nosing around looking for a nice country/farm house/land, etc to purchase - to fulfill a dream of mine.

And i found the perfect house...i do mean the perfect house in France.

It was so perfect that it made me feel a little ill. It would be enough room to fulfill my dream and already had established gardens and the like.

Too bad i don't have the $700,000 to purchase it....

Go get him, already.

2009-07-20T11:56:00.002-04:00

i've been refusing to get in touch with the news lately - mostly because i realize that almost everything i hear/read makes me incredibly angry.

So it's been nice for my blood pressure and attitude to stay away.

Until this morning....

...when i read/saw a bit about the GI whom the Taliban captured and is using as a pawn.

Angry isn't quite the word i'd use. Furious? Maybe. Is there something beyond furious?

i know without a shadow of a doubt that most, if not all, military personnel know and worry and might even have a plan for this man. my impatience comes that i want him rescued already...and to make the Taliban know that YOU DON'T CAPTURE AMERICANS WITHOUT RETALIATION. (see? there's the furious+1 showing it's head again).

ok...now i'm going to take a deep breath, pray for all involved and be more thankful than ever for our military.

It was the summer of discontentment

2009-07-06T09:27:00.002-04:00

To celebrate Independence Day, i had some extra time off from my job. i spent almost the entire weekend outside, much of it surrounded by gardens, water, and making jam and canning cherries. It was dirty, hot work but at one point in the weekend i realized that i was terribly happy.

And here it is Monday, and i'm back at my job - sitting at my desk, fought the traffic to get here...all freezing cold because the A/C is set so low and i realize, once again, that i so don't like this job. Don't get me wrong - i love the place i work - i love what they do - i love the vision of it..the mission, but i'm unhappy in being inside 8+ hours a day, stuck behind a desk doing things where i have no real talent.

But it pays the bills
But i feel like i'm wasting my life
But
But
But

Hmmm...

2009-06-22T13:17:00.001-04:00

It's a sad day in America when the current French President is more of a man than the current American President.

Excuse me, but you've forgotten something...

2009-06-16T14:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Mr. Blue Shirt in the WalMart Customer Service,

Just about an hour ago, i had the distinct privledge of seeing, first hand, your temper tantrum. It was a sight to behold. Your brown curls were bouncing all over the place as you demanded to be compensated for your time and effort after you forgot to pick up all of your bags from the check out. Clearly that wasn't your fault. i mean isn't that what they pay the cashier the big bucks to do? Pick up after grown men?

Why yes, yes it is.

You also were incredibly verbose as you 'dressed down' the cashier who had bagged your small items (no comment from me) as you had suggested and then, gasp, let you forget to pick up the small bag. What a nincompoop she was and i could tell that she really enjoyed and deserved you berating her. i bet you really felt like a man then. And you should've.

Oh..and by the way -have you heard the new radio commercials about becoming "That Man?"

Well, buddy...you have become "That Man" and quite frankly, you're a jerk.

Next time you go into the general public, you pompous ass, take your manners with you and don't at all berate, talk rudely or act the fool. You are presumably (by your body build and hairy forearms) a man. Act like one.

'Cause the next time i hear you talking stupid, i'm going to smack you with my purse.

Courage

2009-06-15T13:32:00.002-04:00

Today, in Iran, a number..a huge number of people took to the streets to protest the recent vote in that country. They felt, according to what i've been reading, that the vote was rigged and that the current government should be defeated.

i have to admit that i don't know if the defeated candidate would be the best for Iran, perhaps he would be. i do know that the current administration needs to go.

However, this post is not to dispute or determine that subject.

What struck me is the passion of the people. They, according to their own statements, are ready to be beaten, struck down and die for what they believe is the right cause. They have taken to the streets - some have been fired on from the government - some have died already - and they are letting their voice be heard.

Good grief

2009-06-11T09:09:00.002-04:00

Today my youngest sister graduates from high school.

i think i'm going to be sick.

It is not possible that she is old enough to go to college in the Fall. Someone must have the wrong records!

*************
ps. i'm listening to the Andrews Sisters station on slacker.com....
Just heard:

Sugar in the morning
Sugar in the evening
Sugar at suppertime
Be my little sugar and love this heart of mine.

And then it goes on...but i realized that i knew the entire song by heart and was singing along (yes, at work..i'm sure it was a treat for all).

How do i know that song? Am i that old? Maybe my Grandfather (lovingly called Pop-Pop) sing it to me? Who knows.

Odd.

Must be the weather

The Weekend.

2009-06-09T13:43:00.003-04:00

This past weekend was one of the best i've had in a long time. i got so much done around my house and even with a migraine first thing on Saturday, i was able to enjoy it to the max.

One thing i did on Sunday was to visit the annual local World War II weekend, complete with re-enactors, 'villages' and an air show. Not to mention fair food and funnel cakes! It was a wonderful day.

It was also amazing, as one looked with eyes used to today's technology, how the equipment in the 40's was able to win anything. No seriously. The planes used to transport soldiers were basically flying tin boxes, the planes used for bombing and air fights were so tiny and slow, the tanks were slow and huge, the soldiers well equipped but with fight gear and ammunition that makes you really consider the harm they were in. There was none of this 'lock the enemy in the radar and shoot' business (and i'm not looking down on that) - it was more like 'shoot when you see the whites of their eyes.'

Whenever i'm confronted with past wars (and even the present goings on in the Persian Gulf), i am forever grateful for the Men and women who gave all so that we can be free. Don't get me wrong, it was a fun weekend and not at all gloomy - but the underlying truth is that if those folks wouldn't have laid down their lives to combat the Nazi regime, my very life would be totally different, and more than likely not in a good way.

So once again, i say a quiet and humble "Thank You" to those in the past and present who have served and are serving in our military. It is inadequate but it is totally sincere.

mmmmmmmmm Funnel cake.

Perfect age

2009-05-29T12:39:00.004-04:00

Since i was a young teen, i always thought that 'older' men were the most handsome and the ones i tried to be around the most. For example, when i was about 14, i LOVED spending time with my 17 and 18 yr old girlfriends so that i could be around their boyfriends! HA! i wasn't the flirty kind of silly girl - i just liked being around them. i liked to watch how they moved, how they acted and they were usually so much smarter than i was that i was in awe.

When i hit about 17 yrs old, i realized that men don't actually become 'sexy' until they are about 45 yrs old. That age for me has held true to this day. Have you ever noticed it? By 45 yrs old, men are more at home in their own bodies, they usually love what they are doing in life, they have smile lines around their eyes and maybe have a bit of grey in their hair. They are weathered a bit...been around the block and have alot of the awkward corners that boys have are now knocked off. They are still goofy and still little-boy like sometimes, but just are more mature and oh.so.handsome.

Boys that were cute when they were younger now, at 45, become so amazingly handsome that you just want to clock them over the head and drag them into your fireplace.

****************************

Disclaimer: This does not apply to any male in military dress blues. Then, no matter the age, they are just F.I.N.E!

Just saying...

i know exactly when...

2009-05-28T14:52:00.003-04:00

Meet me in St. Louis

2009-05-24T20:29:00.002-04:00

Tonight my sister in law, nieces (the sweetest in the world), mother, father and two brothers and i (and that's only about 1/3 of our family) will be having a movie night. We're staying up 'late' (that makes the 5 yr old giggle) to watch "Meet Me In St. Louis" Sprawling out in the family room, snuggling and just spending time together - sounds like the perfect way to celebrate an early Memorial Day.

And we'll be doing so in total freedom.

Happy Memorial Day and for those who served, Thank you.

How can this be?

2009-05-23T02:10:00.003-04:00

It's 2am and the rest of the house is quiet and sleeping...and my sister and i have been playing online arcade like games. It's been a blast -just spending time with her and realizing once again, just how poorly i play arcade games. But even in defeat - and espeically in victory - there was fun to be had just being together.

i'm terribly proud of my sisters...but this one has just finished high school and will be graduating soon and going to college. She's had to face alot of obstacles in her young life -and yet i feel that she will succeed and do so spendily. We are close - and i know i'll cry when she moves away, but my heart swells with pride and love to see her making some good choices and trying to acheive her dreams.

So now that our eyes are almost swollen shut and our hands hurt from playing ..i'm gonna hit the hay.

Good night sweet sister. i love you more than you'll ever know and am so thankful that long ago, God saw fit to make you part of the family. i cannot imagine life without you.

Guess what?

2009-05-22T11:13:00.001-04:00

i just decided that sometime in the next 10 years, i want to be published.

So...i guess i'd better learn how to write, eh?

A-CHOOOOOOOO

2009-05-21T07:12:00.002-04:00

i gotta tell you - i'm SO over the sniffling, sneezing, sneezing, not sleeping because i can't breathe part of Spring. Though i LOVE Spring and am so glad it's finally warm and that i can be outside planting and working in the lawn and garden, this breathing through one nostril is getting kinda old.

Don't get me wrong, i'm very glad to be breathing at all -it's awesome, but i'll be glad when the pollen count in the air goes from so high that everything has a green sheen to more tolerable.

A co-worker told me to get one of those nose pot cleaner outer thing, but the very idea of pouring water into my nose from a tea-pot looking devise is not only gross, but also kinda disturbing.

And now?

Coffee.

Whew i made it to Monday

2009-05-18T14:45:00.002-04:00

What a weekend. Friday was graduation and it was a hectic day (as well as the few days proceeding it). However, the President of the College was very happy with the results so that makes me happy (and exhausted)

Saturday saw me finishing a 700 page book and lying like a slug all around the house. Awesome time.

Sunday was church and family time.

Monday is i'm exhausted from it all time and going to bed at 8pm.

i think this officially makes me an old person.

Ya know....

2009-05-12T13:34:00.003-04:00

i was having a really good day - enjoying the sun (YAY!), plugging along at work, getting things done, enjoying life. i was in a really good mood. Ate well..good wholesome food, drank some freezing cold water (which is the way i enjoy it most) even got to chomp on some ice!

And then....

And then i read this article: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gQE_N0r1XomQlXbpcUFNoe9e6fWgD984NMN80

and i'm SO STEAMING MAD i dont know what to do with myself.

In fact, i'm so mad, i can barely get full sentences out and probably haven't.

i'm furious.

And if you have any sense, you will be too...not just 'ohh poor them..' or some stupid mamby-pamby line...furious.

And i'll tell you another thing - i'd better not, for one second, take my life, my freedom for granted. Too many other women pay such a higher price - because they are female - and and...see? can't even finish the sentence...that's how mad...how furious and how broken hearted i am!

Can't believe it's Monday

2009-05-11T09:53:00.003-04:00

This not-working-two-jobs-thing might become habit forming. i had one of the best weekends i've had in a long time (cruise not counting). Just to be able to clean my house, work in my lawn/garden (complete with sneezing and sneezing and sneezing...oh the joy of pollen) and spend some good time with family and friends..attend a concert and celebrate Mother's day with my Ma was very, very nice.

And even though it's already Monday and i'm back to my grumpy-don't-get-in-my-way self, still the pleasantness of the weekend might even carry me through the day.

That and about four cups of coffee.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2009-05-09T18:22:00.001-04:00

SNEEZE!

The pollen is wonderfully high and mighty today. Though i don't usually have a problem with it, today is the exception and i feel like a constant sneezer. Pulling weeds- sneeze. Cleaning my house-sneeze. Over at my folks' for supper-sneeze.

Isn't it fun?

i love this time of the year!

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways

2009-05-08T10:15:00.002-04:00

i'm not really into the whole self-love thing..though i do want to take care of myself, but i am starting to take small steps to gaining back my life.

1. Took a leave of absence from the 2nd job. i don't want to quit it all together - i mean in this economy having any sort of job is a wonderful thing, but i need the break. So the LOA is at least until the end of May - maybe longer. Would you believe me if said i felt better already? Sleeping through the night, waking early...this could be a wonderful rest of the month.

2. Am going to take a HUGE look at my general health and weight. One thing that was alarming was some weight gain in the past few months. What the heck is that all about? So as soon as my knee heals completely will be hitting the gym hard, until then will be doing better with eating and taking care of what is put into my body. i'm rather excited about this.

And i'm still way open to marrying for money - i CAN be the trophy wife you've always wanted.

:wink:

Don't want to live like this anymore

2009-05-07T11:54:00.003-04:00

Currently, i work two jobs. One full-time job that is about 45 min commute each way and one, a part-time job that is about 5 min commute each way.

And ya know what? i'm tired of working so much. i have no time to myself, no time to just do things and enjoy life. It's crazy.

The thing is, the money from the part-time job really helps with fuel in the winter and if i were disciplined enough, i could save all summer and it would be easy street for fuel.

However, the flip side is that my life is passing before me and i'm not running it...it's running me. i don't want to live like this. i want to embrace life, enjoying as many moments as possible. i want to take time to just sit and enjoy nature, to invest in me a bit more, to be with family and friends more, to try something new and unusual.

So i guess i have a few options

One option is to marry a rich Man (i like this option)
Another is to just be really frugal and still save for the winter months
A third is to run away from home
A fourth option is.........(feel free to give suggestions).

The Bahamas

2009-05-05T09:17:00.002-04:00

Well..turning 30(again) was easier than i thought (KURT! I AM NOT 50!). i mean when you're surrounded by white beaches, blue sky, clear wonderful water and cabana boys...how tough can it be?

Not tough at all.

So here's to being 20!

Feels like my life has just begun.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2009-04-29T14:19:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow i'll be flying to a warm location.

Friday i'll board a ship that will take me to an even warmer location.

Friday is also my birthday. A BIG one. i was rather depressed about it - i just can't believe i'm that old.

However, the cruise to the warm islands will probably help with that depression.

Be back later

Sad day for Philadelphia Sports Fans

2009-04-13T14:37:00.002-04:00

Our beloved Harry Kalas, sports commentator for the Phillies, died today at the age of 73. When i was 12 or so, i really became interested in baseball and used to listen and fall asleep to all of the Phillies games. Harry's voice became the soothing one of commentary and i learned alot by just listening to the games on the crackly AM radio station. Last season, he called the best games ever - especially when we went to the World Series and won it. He was in the Parade, i saw him and screamed (yeah, like a crazy person).

He will be missed - His commentary, his love for the Phillies and the fans, his knowledge of baseball...

Thank you, Harry Kalas, for all those wonderful years of commentating and for teaching me about the beautiful game of baseball. May you rest in peace.

Taking care of pirates

2009-04-09T09:30:00.002-04:00

As i write, the Somali pirates who 'captured' the American-manned ship still hold the Captain as a captive.

i have the perfect solution. Four Navy Seals...one for each terrorist...four bullets. They can scale the lifeboat, do their thing and rescue the Captain, return him to the ship and slip back into the water...all in about three minutes.

i wonder if i should email my idea to the Navy?
hmmm....

Queen of France

2009-04-06T10:39:00.002-04:00

Don't ask how, it's a long story, but i have a nickname-given to me by some of my friends and family- as the Queen of France.

Today, the QOF needed cake at 9.30 am.

So the QOF went to the store and got some cake, made a fresh pot of coffee and is now sitting peacefully at her desk doing her work...very happy and licking the icing from her dainty fingers.

Keeping the QOF happy is a very important job.

Trust me on this.

Wake up and smell the coffee...

2009-03-31T10:28:00.005-04:00

The mistakes and gaffes and stealing and lying and cheating that is going on in this country's government right now is about to make my head explode. The arrogance and disregard for the Constitution and all the good that this country stands for is enough to make me go postal.

Seriously.

If the American people don't wake up and see what's happening to our very freedoms and start speaking out about it, we're going to go down a road that will take forever to undo.

Whew! Dodged that bullet!

2009-03-27T13:45:00.001-04:00

In today's headlines, the President of Brazil apparently said that the global credit crisis has been caused by 'white people with blue eyes.'

Since my eyes are brown, i'm not to blame.

YEEE HAWWW and give me more credit!

Ahh! It's Spring!

2009-03-25T14:20:00.002-04:00

The Spring Cleaning bug has bitten me pretty hard in the past week (dang bug!) - and i can't wait to get home tonight to see what else i can throw out or donate to charity. Can't. wait. Why?
Cause it's just so much fun to declutter and get rid of junk! love it!

i'm tackling one of my worst places in the entire house: the basement. i have stuff down there that just needs to find another home. Like roller blades with no innards...the wheels are great - still works but long ago a nice little mouse made it's home out of the innards and so...

Think someone would buy them for $.50?

Oh, that reminds me - i want to rent a table at the local flea market to get rid of my stuff. Everything will be under a dollar...closer to $.25 and $.50. Though the money would be great - i want to de-clutter more.

SO! Here's to phase one of Flea Market Fun!

Slip, Slip, Slipping Away

2009-03-23T13:50:00.000-04:00

Freedom.

We knew you when.

Now?

Yeah, not so much.
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/03/23/fusion-centers-expand-criteria-identify-militia-members/

How Tactless!

2009-03-20T12:04:00.002-04:00

So apparently Mr. Obama made a wise-crack comparing his bowling ability to Special Olympics. While this isn't something that will put the world up in arms, it was tactless of the Leader of this Country to say on National Television.

i have two brothers who have a very real and life-long disabilty. One of them is confined to a wheelchair most of the day and though he can use his arms, it takes considerable effort to do so. The other brother can walk with crutches or a walker, but also uses a wheelchair.

And while neither boy is overly sensitive about their disability and are rather cool kids (even if i do say so myself), i can't imagine that they were thrilled with that statement. And just because it might not bother them, i am sure that there are others who felt the slight.

Learning proper protocol and ettiquette should be a high priority for whomever takes the highest position of our Land. i dare say the Obamas could use a couple of crash courses...the sooner..the better.

The List

2009-03-19T12:04:00.002-04:00

So i've done three more things on my 101 things in 1001 days. That makes me very happy - cause i LOVE to check things off of a list! WHOOT!

Completed:

#33 - Go through shoes and either donate or throw out.
This wasn't a very hard thing to do - as the new season is upon us and i like to wear my shoes until they really are ready for the rubbish heap. Plus it gives me a very, very good excuse to get new ones, right? Double WHOOT!

#63 - Buy flowers for myself
i've done this three times in the last two weeks. First it was daffodils, then tulips and now i have a lovely small bouquet of Gerber daisies and roses. i love fresh flowers and they are so worth the money. Plus they bring joy to all who see them. i wonder why i don't do this enough for myself? Crazy.

#91 - Become involved in my political party.
Well...i'm kind of becoming a barracuda in this area. However, i'm finding that i enjoy it and also realize that i have a lot to learn about politics and what is going on in our country's government. As i try to keep this blog as politic-free as possible, let me just say that i'm becoming very passionate about what is the right thing to do, regardless of political party. When our government chooses to do wrong (and both parties have through the years), the ones to pay the ultimate price are her citizens. So those citizens must, for their own safety, speak up when they disagree and let their voice be heard. Remember: the government works for the citizens...not the other way around.

So three things that have been very fulfilling to me to accomplish. Can't wait to tackle more...!

Sleep, Sleep, Wherest Art Thou?

2009-03-18T11:07:00.002-04:00

For about the past three weeks, i've not had a decent night's sleep. Either i cannot go to sleep or i wake around 3am. It's horrid. i feel horrid and am sure that dark circles around my eyes are just on the horizon.

i thought at first that i was upset about some family issues, but no, i'm at peace with that.

Then i thought it was the economy and present adminstration, and yes, i'm still upset on a daily basis, but try not to take that to bed with me.

Then i imagined that it was my horrible newish neighbors and perhaps that is part of it - they come and go at all hours of the night and i can hear their door slam, etc.

Sometimes i feel hungry but who wants to cook at 2am?

It's almost become that i dread 'sleep time' and think i should just stay awake for 24 hours to try to re-set my internal clock.

Or maybe i need to knock back a pint or twelve.

Hmm...now there's something to think about!